Tragically Sane. Painfully Aware.

One Small Step for Common Sense

2012-02-07T14:57:00.000-06:00

Whether you are for or against equal rights for gays, you are probably keeping up with the battle in California over Proposition 8. We garnered another small victory today as a federal appeals court declared the law barring gay couples from their equal right to marry unconstitutional.

If you want to know how the educational system in this country is doing, just go to Yahoo! and read some of the comments. People clearly don't know that states have their own constitutions to govern areas specifically not covered under the United States Constitution or specifically delegated to the states. The US Constitution clearly dictates that no state can write into its constitution anything that contradicts what the US Constitution covers. Civil rights should be a federal issue, not a state-by-state issue. And as I have said time and time again, I think it is absurd that we have to fight for rights I believe we already have under the 14th amendment. (((Keeping fingers crossed for common sense. And common decency.)))

Dirty Glasses

2012-02-07T10:09:00.005-06:00

Picked up my glasses the other morning and marveled at Pollack-style accumulation of crud on them. What is all that crap? Then I thought about the fact that if I had no glasses, I would not have a picture of the muck that must be flying at my eyes all day. And it's not like muck is known for being discriminate, right. It's not just coming at my eyes, or only when I have glasses on. There must be crap coming at me all the time. Ick. I'm covered in invisible crap right now.

Recently, in an effort to preserve some of my sweaters and work clothes, I decided to hang them back up if I only wore them to work and they were clean. Now I'm thinking those "clean" clothes are covered in the same gook that collects on my glasses. I just can't see it. I'm right back to putting all the clothes in the hamper at the end of each day.

I am now debating whether I should shower before I hit the hay. My hair must be covered in life-muck too, right? Ugh! But if I sleep on my hair at night, it will be hella crazy the next morning. I can't recover from bedhead. I've tried everything. But the thought of going to bed covered in invisible goo makes me sick to my stomach.

Oprah: National Threat

2012-02-04T09:53:00.003-06:00

Last weekend I made a trip down to see my family. I usually listen to NPR if I'm going to be in the car longer than 30 minutes or so. Eventually I find the twilight zone where I am too far from one station and not close enough to Little Rock to pick up that affiliate. One thing there is plenty of in that twilight zone is Jesus. Air One. Family Radio. The entire Jesus spectrum is represented from the pseudo-nice sounding folks praying for all our souls to the hell, fire, and brimstoning of the fear mongers. If I'm lucky, I get to hear some gospel which does make you want to get up and clap. Not conducive to driving, though.

I have noticed from tuning in on occasion the blatant ugliness from the self sanctified. I guess the Christians feel President Obama and "liberals" are undeserving of their charity or brotherly love. As they talk about the pillars of faith in one breath, they mock the President and the "lamestream" media in the very next. Ironically, in true "I'm rubber, you're glue" fashion they picked apart Obama, liberals, and the media for their hypocrisy. I had to wait for commercials to come on to make sure I was still on the same family values/Christian station.

I guess Oprah is a national threat that I was unaware of. I think Oprah is kind of kooky. Honestly, how do you have that kind of money and power for that long and not go a little nutty? That is a question I have been pondering lately. Not specifically about Oprah, but just in general. Some dude actually wrote a book about how Oprah is leading people away from Christianity, the bible, etc. I was like, "Wow, these people really are afraid of a powerful, black woman." It is astounding how fearful these dudes are. They went on and on building a case showing Oprah is not the Christian she purports to be. Let's see, who else from the bible has been labeled "The Accuser?" Seems like accusing is Satan's work. Why is Satan's work being done on Christian radio? The conversation also picked apart the dangers of this "New Age Movement" Oprah is leading in our nation. New Age Movement?

They played a soundbite of Oprah explaining to a viewer the exact moment she decided she needed to seek a different understanding of God other than the "jealous" One her preacher portrayed. God, jealous? That shouldn't make sense to anyone. An all-powerful supreme being who is capable of such basal emotion? Come on. Think about what you are thinking for just a second...how can that possibly make sense. A fine Christian would not be a jealous person so how could the God that Christian worships and tries to please be jealous? Of course if we thought about the logic of half the things we say, we would be embarrassed. For instance, I am at a total loss when people talk about how the deceased are smiling down from heaven. They are in a better place. Our relatives are waiting to greet us in heaven so we can all be together. Seems like your bible specifically says that no one goes to heaven until Judgement Day. All souls are judged at that time. Only after judgement are the gates of heaven opened to any of us. I don't believe that has happened yet. So, how is anyone I've ever known in heaven???? I just keep my mouth shut. Smile and nod.

A few months ago I listened to a story about the New Apostolic Reformation. Talk about nutjobs. They don't seem to like Oprah very much. They seemed convinced that she is the Whore of Babylon (literally). I am not making this up. I heard it with my ears and then googled it. What has Oprah ever done but try to help people? She doesn't force her views on anyone. You can turn off the tv. But people, mostly women, haven't tuned out. The fact that Ms. Winfrey does not attempt to force anyone to change their mind is exactly what her appeal is. Let's see. In one corner we have an institution that for two thousand years has marginalized women, indoctrinated them with the idea that our only purpose in this world is to serve men, and burned us in the name of God. On the other hand, you have someone who encourages us and paves the way for women (anyone, really) to seek a higher understanding of God and to seek a real relationship with that accepting, caring God that makes you feel good. I've said before that people who feel good and happy do not try to bring others down or misery to the lives of their brothers. Why would you ever want to instill fear or self-loathing in someone. That is not healthy. I know it's not because it does not feel good. Most of all, it's not nice. Not very "Christian-like" at all.

I guess it's okay because later they went on to pick on Albert Einstein. Basically for all his genius, the ultimate truth he was searching for would have been realized if only Mr. Einstein would just have succumb to the teachings of the bible. Faith. Faith in God would have brought him the ultimate understanding that He is responsible for all things and we cannot truly understand His mysterious ways. The way I see it, physics is God. The physical laws of the universe that hold matter together in the forms of our bodies, trees, planets but still seperate from other things are miraclulous. I don't believe our human brains would be able to come up with a system like that. The best we were able to come up with was some story about some dude who just made the Earth and put some people on it about six thousand years ago. Of course, six thousand years ago they didn't know that we would find dinosaur bones. So, really, I think the pontificators would do better to appreciate people like Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking for bringing us insight into God's methodoligy and not be threatened by science. Science and God do not have to be mutually exclusive. You can understand all day long the science behind a sunset, the brilliant colors in autumn, or a baby being born, but it doesn't take the wonderment from any of those things. And if someone like Oprah can bring others to a place where they can appreciate the wonderment of every day miracles from a healthy place that makes them feel good, what's so wrong with that. Religion and a relationship with God are very personal. Or they should be. There is nothing wrong with encouraging people to seek "a (truly) personal relationship with God." Of course, I have long suspected that the mission of most religions is not to seek personal fulfillment but rather to comply and validate.

Get In The Comp Hole!

2012-02-03T09:42:00.000-06:00

Ah, the little steps people take on the corporate ladder. I remember working at Marshall's and my friends eagerly waiting to graduate from college so they could get "real jobs." Regular hours, maybe an office, holidays. There used to be a time when being "salaried" was a very desirable thing. It implied a certain amount of freedom and security. A salary also used to be somewhat of a badge reserved for those with positions a bit more important than just regular hourly slobs. I am convinced that people can ruin anything. Think of all the great things people have ruined. The Internet with SPAM and viruses. Cyber-bullying? Mountains. Clean water. Yup, I'm convinced that there is nothing we can't ruin with near robotic compulsion. A space colony on the moon? Great, something else to fuck up.

Back to the salary thing. Sounds like a good deal. You can be sick, take a long lunch, enjoy a mental health day and not have to worry about a short paycheck, right? Well, the Factory tacks on a weekly hour requirement to your salary. Generally 42 hours vs. 40 hours. The extra couple of hours you are required to work go into your comp time. When you are sick, take a long lunch, or enjoy a mental health day, that time comes out of your comp time. If you use more time than you have accumulated, you go in the hole. The Comp Hole. Oh, and if someone dies, your bereavement comes out of your comp time. I should point out that you may opt to use vacation or one of the three personal days we get each year if you have it. But we do not receive any bereavement leave. I bet even Walmart gives their employees some sort of bereavement leave, but not the Factory.

My team lead lost her grandmother around Christmas. Her husband just lost his grandmother around Thanksgiving. So, guess who is in the Comp Hole. Most mornings she shows up between 7 and 7:30. She leaves sometime after I do. I've known her to do this for the year and a half I've worked there. All to end up in the Comp Hole. It's our new favorite thing to make fun of right now. We joke about putting each other in The Hole. I think I will keep being an hourly employee. If I work 42 hours in one week, I get paid 3 hours wages for the 2 extra I worked. The salary people only get the same 2 hours. And I don't have to worry about being in The Hole.

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Crazy

2012-01-17T18:00:00.000-06:00

Lately, working at a minutia factory is wearing on me. I didn't realize how much stupid is required to produce nothing. Like repetitive dating ads looking for someone who is nice, smart, honest, blah, blah, prospective employers all say they want the same things. They want an independent worker who is smart and committed to process improvement. I believe I am that worker. However, I have come to realize that in order to get my job done, thinking too much can be a hindrance. Mainly in that it will drive me crazy. I can't be forced to perform silly tasks and think at the same time. And I learned early on that what The Factory wants besides company men fresh out of college who will do anything to snag an office is an equal amount of caretakers to take care of them. If they had just told me up front that's what they wanted, I would have passed. Like I used to tell the guys at the body shop I worked for, if I wanted to take care of someone I'd have a baby.

The craziest thing is that I can't perform a single task without a barrage of emails and followup. You want me to do what? I suppose that the good news for the company is that the bi-product of creating our cash crop, minutia, is more minutia. How can you go wrong with that business plan? Lots can go wrong, but that will be for another post. One of my team leads will tell me what I need to do and follow with, "Stupid, huh?" But, whatevs. Like I tell them I get paid the same regardless what I'm doing. I don't get paid enough to like it. I get paid to do, not to like. And there isn't enough money to turn me into some sort of yes woman. I don't care who you are. If it's stupid, it's just stupid.

I had enough last week and wasn't feeling well and told someone, "I'm going to call their stupid and I'm fixin' to raise you some crazy!" Crazy trumps stupid ever time. Crazy trumps everything. If we were playing rock, paper, scissors, crazy, nothing beats crazy. That is its nature.

Appropriate

2012-01-15T17:04:00.001-06:00

Appropriateness is relative. It's one of those things we don't often talk about until someone has done something unsavory. Those are the opportunities to compare notes about what is okay and when. Some don't want to be the prude while others can leave no soapbox un-stood on.

A few weeks ago a coworker and I had a conversation about unspoken rules for appropriate behavior, specifically in a relationship. She told me she doesn't go to lunch alone with male coworkers. Even though nothing is going on. But it's not even worth the risk of others possibly seeing and assuming something is going on. Perception is everything. Perceived problems can become real ones. If someone calling me causes a problem at home, it stops. My home is the most important thing to me than a few minutes on the phone with anyone.

Sometimes you meet great, fun people. Alas, some of those people are breeding grounds for drama. They aren't bad people, necessarily. I often say that I can't stand lesbians because they are always drama. And I have learned that everyone being the same gender blurs the lines for appropriate behavior. You can't very well tell your lesbian partner she can only have male friends. It's not realistic. Otherwise you resort to tagging and labeling, which I don't care for. Or just sounding totally crazy.

There is nothing wrong with accepting differences or shortcomings in others. It can become a problem, though. Sometimes we overlook one thing. Then another, and another. Before you know it, you're patting yourself on the back for how open to change you are or whatever you're telling yourself. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Then, in retrospect, sometimes it was the inappropriateness all along that was the bond. For instance, it's not okay to do meth. But let's say you start hanging around people who do it. Then you try it. And then it is okay to do meth. It's a scenario seen time and time again.

Fortunately there are 7 billion people on the planet. I think I can afford to be selective.

Bedtime

2012-01-13T09:01:00.000-06:00

Lately I've become more sensitive to what I see before bedtime. There have been some gnarly dreams swirling around my head the last few weeks. I made the mistake the other night to watch the Science Channel. It was about stars. Their magnificent rise and their ultimate demise. Did you know you can kill a star with lead? And I don't mean poisoning some celebrity by feeding them from leadware. Stars are like life manufacturing machines. They constantly crank until they spew elements across the cosmos and with them infinite possibilities for life. It's crazy. Anyway, as the show explained and illustrated the incomprehensible event, I panicked a little thinking about how it doesn't matter how long mankind survives, it all ends anyway. And it ends pretty finitely according to the Science Channel. And when I tried to grasp the scale of the destruction I couldn't help but think of what a speck of a speck Earth is. And then us, humankind, like an infestation of minuscule parasites on that speck of a speck. And the crazy little bacteria and parasites that live on us. Infinitely gigantic and infinitely small. Incomprehensible.

I was freaked out. Then I was freaked out about being freaked out before bedtime. What about reincarnation? Where would we go when there is no earth to come back to? Regardless the fact that I cannot accept any version of afterlife as presented by any religion, I cannot comprehend the idea that "I" will not go on in some way. After death. After apocalypse. After the Milky Way gets nuked in a giant cosmic microwave. I cannot accept ceasing to exist.

Bazinga!

2012-01-11T13:22:00.002-06:00

Where have you been all my life, Big Bang Theory?

~~Dear~~ ~~Diary~~, Captain's Log, Stardate 310971.16

Breaks in programming are a great time to peruse what else is out there. When people seem nuts about a particular show I sometimes take a peek to see what the big deal is. For instance I recently recorded Modern Family a few times to check it out. Bleh. It's ok. I just didn't feel an affinity for the show or any of the characters. It wasn't love at first sight like with That 70's Show or Raising Hope.

There are lots of shows I don't get. I never got Friends. It was ok. I always found it lazy and predictable. Two and a Half Men. Don't get that one either. I have never been able to figure out what people saw in Charlie Sheen. I found him dry and uninteresting. He delivered a line. Paused for canned laughter. And somehow it's a hit. I don't care who is on the show I'm not wasting my time.

Over Christmas I got suckered into one of those show blocks where they aired several episodes of Big Bang Theory in a row. Ugh, it's how I got hooked on the Housewives. It is soooo addicting that I set the dvr to record it anytime it comes on. Loves it! What a clever little show. I check the dvr every day for new (to me) episodes. Even my girlfriend will rewind the show to see it all. Other than Storage Wars or Pawn Stars she's not really into tv.

Good Ole Intentions

2011-12-19T09:51:00.003-06:00

They say that that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Ain't that the truth!

If ever in an argument with me, it is no use to defend someone with their intentions. First of all, unless everyone is being brutally honest including being brutally honest with themselves which I find most people are completely incapable of, arguing intent is like trying to hold on to fog. You can have the best of intentions and still have a deep seeded need that will ultimately drive your actions. And I recently pointed out that the truth is always in the actions....not the words.
Let's say you are running late for dinner. You don't want your spouse, parents, whoever to worry about you. You reach down to get your phone to text or call that you are one your way. BLAM-O! You run someone over and kill them. Was it your intention to kill someone? No. You had the best of intentions but one careless action has changed not only your life forever but the lives of a completely innocent family. It is something that can never be undone. So, again, actions count more than intent any day...to me...to a court of law.

My intention may be to have a good time. Go out. Have a few drinks. Have a few more. I deserve it, right? I'm a good girl. I work hard. Next thing you know, I'm passed out somewhere. Not really sure what I did. So now we have my two least favorite arguments: I didn't mean to paired with I didn't know what I was doing (because if I was conscious at all, you know my intentions are to never do that.) I'm not responsible for my actions because I didn't mean to do stupid shit....it just happened. Yeah, I'm not really about that line of bullshit.

The other thing is that feelings (intentions) can change on a dime. I have seen it time and time again. I am intimately aware of how the world changing around me changes my feelings about things. Sometimes from one day to the next. About people. About life in general. I thought about it last night, how my whole view of the world and life has changed this past year. I will never be same. And I'm a little sad about that. My light is a little dimmer and I'm road weary for sure. And my tolerance for bullshit is at an all time low. Not what I intended....but it's what I got.

"Thank You"

2011-12-14T15:49:00.000-06:00

I don't have to know stuff or remember stuff. That is what computers and phones are for. Regardless, the Know-it-All just won't die. It's bad enough when you see a kid who has to be right about everything and can't stand not pointing out how everyone else is wrong or slightly less right than they are. I can't help but shake my head and think, "You're in for a long haul, kid!"

Some of those kids never grow out of that crap. The Minutia Factory I work for has an abundance of these people. I could just blame it on the high ratio of dudes who work here, but the chicks are just as bad. I get an extra serving of unwanted and unsolicited "help" every single day. I've found the best way to deflect it is with a big ole "Thank you." End of conversation. I will do just about anything to avoid a conversation about stuff I don't care about. Although, if I'm being totally honest, I like to completely ignore the Know-it-All's too. That's my favorite. But, ugh, I try to be polite most of the time. Begrudgingly. Recently, though, I learned that you can blame a lot of stuff on being busy. Sometimes I just get too busy to respond to everyone.

Insecure?

2011-12-14T14:17:00.000-06:00

During a recent conversation I was accused of being insecure. Ummmm.....I'm going to say "no" to that. Self conscious? Totally! There are certain things that will probably plague me to the day I pass on. But I am definitely not an insecure person. I am pretty self-actualized with a strong penchant for daydreaming and a distaste for ambiguity. If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times: if you are an able-bodied person of sound mind and there is something you don't like about yourself, it's your fault. But completely changeable. Big, fat period.

So, yeah, I think I'm pretty great. Not everyone in life is going to agree with me. And there have been some doozies to be certain. But, basically, I feel like I have a healthy rapport with co-workers, friends, family, and strangers. Every single day. I try not to ask/expect more from others than I am willing to give. I try to live consciously. During my breakup earlier this year, I never questioned "What's wrong with me?" "Why doesn't she want to be with me?" Don't get me wrong, when deep emotions are involved, it is gut-wrenching, but for other reasons. I never felt like it was because something was wrong with me. I knew, and it may sound bad even though I don't mean it to, that I could have a date any time I wanted one. Male or female. I know that if I wanted a date this weekend, I would not have a problem finding one. Two dates, a dude and a chick. So.......I'm going to say that I am not insecure.

The Kindness Of Strangers

2011-12-13T13:36:00.000-06:00

Those who know us and care for us are the best medicine when things get rocky. They are the comfy pallet you can fall into and be enveloped in unconditional love. But the unexpected kindness of strangers and acquaintances are magical little nuggets you can hang on to for a little extra strength when you need it, sorta like an amulet you may pick up in a video game that gives you a special boost.

A few months back I was waiting for the elevator. A dude I work with said something to me about seeing me in the Smoke Shack. I didn't even know you smoked. I've never seen you down there before. I looked at him and told him this year's been pretty rough on me. What could be so bad? I shook my head. I smiled. Because it's what I do. That bad, huh? I told him that if I started at the beginning it would just sound like the most cliche country song he'd ever heard and I just continued to shake my head. He tilted his head and relented that I wasn't going to unleash. Then he proceeded to give me the nicest compliment I've had in years.

I'm usually leery of compliments. Especially from dudes. In a way, though, I would like to be able thank him for his kindness. I'm pretty certain that he has no idea how his words instantly warmed me up in a way I hate at work. But some things are just better left in the moment.

Kitty Cat Purrs

2011-12-11T20:28:00.000-06:00

Kitty cat purrs are one of the best things in the world. When Zen gets the purr-paws I know he's somewhere above happy. He digs his mammoth claws in time with his own purring, alternating one and then the other. I like to put my head on his belly and fill my head with his utter contentment. One little real moment. Him and me.

Kat-Man-Du
He Got The Foo Manchu.
What's He Gonna Do?

The Truth Is Always In The Actions

2011-12-08T17:41:00.000-06:00

Everyone's heard that actions speak louder than words. I'll never cheat on you. You're the Princess. Wedding vows. Words - they come so easily. They can be anything. They can be twisted at any time. And later twisted again.

Someone told me many months back to not pay attention to the words but the actions. The actions will always show the truth. Boy, if that isn't true I don't know what is.

Butterfly

2011-12-08T14:19:00.000-06:00

Last night I dreamed of a butterfly. The left wing was intact while the right wing was a jagged disgrace. I pet its head with my index finger. I felt like it was possible to fix the wing, but I didn't know how.

Social Security

2011-12-07T20:40:00.000-06:00

Social Security? What a misnomer. It's amusing to hear Republicans talk about privatizing Social Security. Isn't that what a 401k is? At least the name doesn't imply that it is any way secure or that it can be counted on.

I worked with a woman at the shoe store who lost so much money in her 401k that she had to get a job. Working in a shoe store. Right next to me. Just to make ends meet. She and her husband worked hard. He's retired. They built their dream house on the lake. Grandkids. Timeshare. All the stuff I thought I might look forward to one day. They thought they were doing the smart thing by investing in their retirement. Until the bottom fell out of the market. My own 401k statement is a testament that privatizing Social Security is a terrible idea.

Any time a conservative is trying to funnel federal money to private companies you should try to find out who will really be getting that money in the end. More than likely you will find a wealthy conservative corporation at the top of that food chain. The motive is not to help citizens, but to line already fat coffers.

The Road To The 10 Minute Face

2011-12-04T10:20:00.000-06:00

I finally have my morning makeup routine knocked down to about 10 minutes. Often time I take slightly longer. Usually because I'm moving slow. Will I look like I'm ready to hang with The Housewives? No. But, I prefer looking natural and polished.

Like so many others, I have tried zillions of cosmetic products over the years. Just the number of brands to choose from can be dizzying. I have a few online resources I visit on a regular basis to narrow my choices:

Makeup Alley
Cosmetics Cop
Makeup Geek

I visit Makeup Alley nearly every day. I am so thankful to be able to go back and look through my reviews so I don't get suckered into wasting time on a product previously deemed disappointing. All the reviews are from customers. You aren't allowed to sell or promote. I am noticing more and more reviews from dudes so they are welcome also. You can search through a vast number of reviews on everything from skincare to styling tools. Some of the reviews are hilarious. You can narrow review results to find reviews from others with skin similar to yours or within your age group. I often search through reviews of products I have a firm opinion about and then look for reviewers with opinions similar to mine. I can then search through their reviews to uncover other products worth checking out. This is the best way to be introduced to more obscure lines that offer awesome products.

I have been reading reviews from Paula Begoun, the Cosmetics Cop, for about 10 years now. She offers a great deal of skincare advise and it was a huge help to me in clearing my skin. Her claims are annotated. As with any reviewer I sometimes do not agree with her criteria and therefore have to really navigate some of her opinions. For instance, Paula is probably a bigger advocate of sunscreen than the National Cancer Society. I applaud her vigilance. However, I found it difficult to navigate her foundation reviews because there may be a product that sounded great but did not have sunscreen so it would be rated low. I can apply a separate sunscreen. I don't care if my foundation has any. I actually prefer products that don't try to do too many things at once so I can customize my routine as needed. It is also important to mention that Paula has her own line of skincare and cosmetics. Which she promotes. This may be a turn off for some and I completely understand. I had success with her skincare line in the beginning. Her newer products did not agree with my sensitive skin. Even still, she does have some great skincare products and excellent customer service. Her cosmetic line was such a disappointment that it really made me question her cosmetic reviews. To be fair, it has been several years since I've purchased makeup from her site. It is still a great way to get good information.

Makeup Geek is just a fun site to visit. I visit every few weeks or so. This is where I go to get more reviews of products and awesome how-to videos from an actual makeup artist. Definitely a favorite. Not to mention I have a soft spot for self-identified geeks.

Holes

2011-12-04T09:38:00.000-06:00

Okay. Weird thing happened the other day. I think I heard a story that Republicans do not want to extend President Obama's tax holiday. Something to do with our deficit and how we need more money (so we can borrow more). I guess what I don't understand is how Republicans figured out that it's the tax holiday that's fueling our deficit and not Bush's tax break for the wealthy we just had to extend, I mean "job creators?" How can they tell which hole in revenue is problem? Can they teach the rest of us to distinguish bad holes from good holes? Like if I have two holes in my tire I would like to be able to tell the tech which one to plug and save myself a couple of bucks. Besides, the "job creators" don't seem to be creating any jobs. So, why continue to reward people for not doing their job? Why shouldn't those of us doing our part get the reward? If we weren't doing our part, you wouldn't have checks to tax the piss out of.

Big Brother Is Alive And Well

2011-12-04T09:05:00.000-06:00

I read an interesting story yesterday about undercover cops infiltrating the LA occupiers. Of course this was merely to figure out if and how protesters would try to harm the police once eviction time came. According to the article the undercover policemen learned that some of the protesters were making bamboo spears. I agree with one of the protesters who compared the scenario to McCarthyism.

Arrests were made. No one was hurt. But! The article omitted one extremely important fact: no where did the journalist mention how many weapons were actually recovered from the site. ?????? I can only assume that there were, in fact, no weapons of mass destruction. What a prime example of how big government and big business criminalize the disenfranchised of this country. It's not about protection, it's about power.

Don't confuse my idea of big government with the conservative idea of what big government is. To them, big government is any program designed to protect citizens and our resources. They don't consider the army of policemen out there who harass the rest of us with speeding tickets we can't afford or who fill our prisons with drug abusers which (surprise!) we also pay for. That doesn't count. It doesn't matter how many soldiers it takes to fight all over the world. The are not counting in their big government estimate the number of people it takes to police the paranoia over "illegals." To them, it makes perfect sense to spend billions to put the pinch on regular people but it doesn't make sense to spend any of that money to make sure fracing isn't contaminating the water those regular people drink. They don't think they should have to pay us back the money we've been paying into Social Security our entire working lives. They make it sound like we're a bunch of greedy degenerates looking for a handout. And the most absurd part is that they only job those assholes want.....is to work for the government. They don't want to have to go out and get real jobs. The only cheese they are interested in is government cheese. But they sure will play up the drain that the "welfare" class is to the rest of us hard working folks. And Social Security. It's either one of those funny jokes Irony likes to play on us or it's just plain ole hypocrazy.

Mississippi: Not Out Yet

2011-11-08T11:00:00.000-06:00

Just when I thought Mississippi was going to be dethroned by Kansas. It seems that while Kansas has been busy creating (no....not jobs) ridiculous regulations for abortion clinics, Mississippi is trying to go even further by trying to outlaw birth control all together. Really?!?!? I keep looking at my calendar, wondering what the hell year I woke up in today. The kicker in Kansas is that while they DO have money to regulate abortion clinics they DO NOT have the money to protect those children and their mothers from domestic violence. A story recently reported that domestic abuse cases are going unchecked because there isn't enough money to follow up or manage all them. Really?!?!? Where are all those vigilantes standing in front of abortion clinics and blowing up doctors when you need them?
Mississippi is one of the poorest states with an already high "unplanned pregnancy" rate. Further curtailing reproductive choices for those who are already struggling doesn't make much sense to me and never has. Taking away reproductive choice is one more way for the Establishment to stick it to the poor, women, and other marginalized groups of people in this country. Children are expensive. Having them in a hospital is expensive. If you want to do the right thing and not bring a life into the world that you cannot support fully, right wing conservatives are trying to take all the sensible options away. Do those conservatives want to give you food stamps or Medicaid to help with the child you know you can't afford? Hell no. They want to take that away too. If they had their way, we wouldn't even have public schools. They don't think they should have to contribute to a public healthcare option but they think they should be allowed to dictate medical options? I am blown away by the lack of logic. I can understand that there are illogical people out there, people who are fueled by their emotions. Mathematically speaking, it is unavoidable. What I don't understand is how these irrational people are so effective at working what is supposed to be a rational democratic system into a warped mess.

Come On, 2012!!!

2011-10-18T13:40:00.000-05:00

Although I truly am resolved to quit wishing my life away a week or couple of days at a time, I must say I'm ready for this year to end. 2011 has been a total Crapapalooza. I've never been one to party on New Years Eve but you betchurass I'll be partying this year. Ooohhh, did party a little last New Years. Eeek, mustn't do that again.

Anyway, I've told everyone - Come what may in 2012, even if it is the end of the world, it will still be better than this year. It's not just me. From sickness to legal trouble, just about everyone I know has taken a beating this year. Perhaps the "end" of the Mayan calendar is the darkness before the dawn, maybe it will be an end to the Crapfest of 2011. I have an awesome, magical friend who will turn 60 on 12-21-12. So, even if it is just "the end," at least I can look forward to the party. Whatevs. My handbasket has been packed for some time.

Beaver

2011-10-18T10:07:00.000-05:00

Aaahhh, beaver! One of my favorite words.

My friends and I loved to dance to Madonna's version of Fever. It always sounded like she was saying "beaver" instead of "fever." At that time I didn't know that "beaver" is a term used for a woman's nether region. That is probably the reason everyone else seemed to find it as hilarious as I did. You give me beaver, beaver....when you kiss me....(snicker).

I had a group of friends at a check printing company I worked for. We had the occasional girl's night. One friend's loser boyfriend asked what we were planning to do, sit around and stare at each others beavers? That was the moment I realized what "beaver" also meant. What a jerk!

I live near Beaver Lake and drive through Beaver Town every day to get to work. I love seeing old grandmas wearing shirts that say things like "I live on Beaver" with a picture of a beaver on the front. There is a bar called "The Rowdy Beaver." Say that one without laughing. Beaver Lake is in the Busch Mountains and Mountain Man cracked me up one day when he said he found it funny that you have to go through Busch to get to Beaver. Supposedly, there is also a place called The Bearded Clam (snicker) but I've never seen it. But there is a town just over the Missouri border that has a Beaver Liquor (LMAO).

I love a good sense of humor and that is one of my favorite things about the Ozarks. Besides the lakes. Rivers. All the trees, especially this time of year. And the art. The music.

Custom....

2011-10-13T13:14:00.000-05:00

Many listings these day will feature some sort of "custom" item if possible: custom cabinets, custom workshop, custom pool, custom motorcycle. Who cares? It's customized to someone else's taste. So it's exactly like everything else I have to choose from that's already built. I don't get why customization translates to more money except that a seller wants to recoup some of the money blown on whatever was customized..."but, it's custom." So? To me it's not. And I'm not paying for it. Take your custom cabinets with you when you move out and put factory ones in. Or your custom pool.

Behind My Back

2011-10-13T09:58:00.000-05:00

I get so sick and tired of hearing grown-ups whine about what people say "behind" their backs. Imagine this world if everyone just said whatever they thought about everyone else right to their faces all the time. I'm going to guess a lot more people would have a lot more bad days. Frankly, if you have something to say about me, I prefer not to be involved.

It's okay to talk to our friends about our views on everything else, the weather, politics, trends, but somehow our interactions and feelings about others are off limits? That's absurd. How many times have you blown off steam about a situation and then completely forgotten about it? That is the purpose of venting, it is a release of that negativity so that it doesn't fester and get completely blown out of proportion. Is it worth making someone else feel badly about themselves for a momentary lapse? After all, we all have them. I work in a factory where every single little typo or error is pointed out, and usually via group email. All that does is desensitize me. I just stop caring after a while.

Unless someone is intentionally trying to make you look bad (maybe your are. just sayin'. it is a possibility.) who gives a crap if they are "talking about you behind your back?" Grow up. People like that eventually turn others off with their constant negativity. We've all had friends whose sole purpose was gossip. You don't really believe those gossips stop when you are not present? Or that somehow everyone else is fodder for that gossip but you? That is akin to thinking the sun doesn't rise until you open your eyes. Besides, talk is cheap. Especially these days. If someone has an opinion about you don't agree with, who cares? If you are confident in the person you are, it doesn't matter what they say to others about you. You should trust that others will see the person you are in spite of someone else's opinion. If you have a group of friends or acquaintances who base their opinions on what others tell them to think, you are either in junior high school or you need to re-evaluate where you circulate. I always found it ironic how often churches are breeding grounds for gossip. Then again, how can we feel good about ourselves unless we can feel better than someone else, right?

And let's not leave the tattletale out of it. How would you know someone said something about you unless someone filled you in on what was said? What purpose can that possibly serve? Why would someone deliberately try to make you angry or hurt your feelings with information someone else was trying to protect you from? Usually Guilt is the motive. After all, it takes two to gossip. A gossip doesn't just come right up to someone and start unloading about the person not present. No, usally there is a progression in the conversation which requires the listener/tattler to be involved. So if someone wastes my time trying to make me aware of what someone else said about me, my first question is how did that even come up? I think it puts both parties on the suspect list. Unless we are trying to stir the pot, we are usually looking for solidarity when we share our ideas and experiences with others.

I firmly believe that if you are grown, able-bodied, and sound and you don't like something about yourself, it's your fault. The good news is you can change it and be whatever you want. So if someone says something "behind your back," who cares? Unless you agree and care, let it go. You can't please everyone nor should you try. If someone is a jerk and deliberately trying to bring misery to your life, it is usually comes to light and backfires. Believe in yourself and trust the Universe. And quit whining like a child.

3 O'Clock High

2011-10-06T13:32:00.000-05:00

Class warfare? You bet your ass. The politicians don't want to piss off their donors, but no one is buying me so I'm free to say what I want. There has been a systematic attack on the middle and working class of this country since the Reagan years.

The rich have been bitching about their tax break ever since Obama took office. Don't tax the "job creators." We can't afford to tax the "job creators." The tax cut in question was in place when the economy tanked. The tax cut was extended. Meanwhile, the "job creators" are still not creating jobs. Their balance sheets are fatter than ever, but they still are not "in the mood" to put out. How do you get money from the people who have it but refuse to let go of it? You tax it from them. And I completely support President Obama in raising taxes on the rich. The Republicans are always bitching about debt and deficit unless it is the debt of the working class who have lost their homes and jobs or the deficit between the wealthy and the working class. They don't want to pay for social programs allegedly because we can't afford them but they don't want to give up their tax cuts, incentives, and breaks which we can't afford.

Be a dramatic pansy and call it "class warfare." I don't give a crap. Don't hurt my feelin's none. I'm not afraid to meet you in the parking lot after school. I'm used to working for a living so I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty. Your ass will be whooped before you can pay someone else to fight for you. Pansy! The truth is WE are the job creators. If we weren't buying coffee there would be no barristas. If we didn't go through the drive thru's they wouldn't be open. If we quit commuting and worked from home, there would be fewer gas stations, the roads would last longer, there would be fewer body shops. The wealthy cannot pick up our purchasing slack. They would literally have to hire folks to do it for them. Hmm....(rubbing chin). The reason there was a housing boom was because WE were buying houses, not because someone decided to funnel money into the industry just to see what would happen or because the wealthy were buying all the houses. WE drive the economy. Misbehaving, greedy corporations and the government not protecting its citizens are what derail the economy. (Psst...corporations...that's not a dealbreaker for me. Call me if you want to get married.)

Cash Cows

2011-10-06T12:57:00.000-05:00

Wow!?! Is the right to make a profit a right that we all have? Or just some of us? As someone who works in an "employment at will" state, which means you can literally be fired because someone doesn't like the way you look, I wonder how it is that Bank of America can justify that they have a right to profit. I don't think anyone would dispute they have a right to try to earn a profit, my problem is that they feel they are entitled to a specific amount of profit. Even after the government (for the people) said to the banks, "Hey, what your doing is wrong," they still have the audacity to blatantly find new ways to gouge customers.

I feel like I'm worth at least a million. Just for my sparkling company. Unfortunately, I haven't found anyone who has agreed to pay me what I think I'm worth. Nor have I found a way to gouge the money from the people around me. What a big load of poo to insinuate that you have a right to make a certain amount of money. This is America and I say go for it. But, I will always, always, always mostly side with the little person. What's so great about BoA's bank card that it is worth $60 each year? They assume their customers will be too lazy to switch banks to teach them a lesson. If customers can influence Walmart when they tried to limit the brand selection in their stores or Netflix, then the same customers can also put a hurtin' on Bank of America.

We are submerged in the Age of Money where corporations are people too (ridiculous!) and are free to participate in the government for the people by the people. I have never really been about getting married but knowing that corporations are people, I am completely willing to entertain the idea of marriage. So, if any corporations wants to hook up with a dependent tax write off, give me a call. We, the 99%, haven't given all of our money away yet. If $ = votes, then vote with your $. The less money you have, the more each dollar counts. If you only have $20 to spend on groceries, then what you choose to buy with that money says a lot. Fortunately Miller Lite is always on sale somewhere. And then you have enough money left over to buy frozen burritos to carry you through the week. When you think about what you have to do come home with that $20, what you have to put up with, it should really make you think about the value of what you are getting for your money. Are you spending your money at Target so they can sponsor Republican candidates who want to take all your rights and money away? Are you spending your money at McDonald's for food so cheap that it is killing us so a few people can be wealthy?

We have to get off the autopilot. We need to start making conscious decisions. Instead of letting our days melt away in a stream of mindless actions that only generate a steady cash flow to a few who do everything in their power to get more of our money all the time for things we don't need or that are bad for us we need to think about how we are going to get some of our money back. In the end we are left empty, powerless, and reduced to beggars in the eyes of those whom we have made wealthy.

Freedom Fries

2011-10-06T09:27:00.000-05:00

My girlfriend took me to lunch a couple of weeks ago at one of those hole-in-the-wall landmark places. I love old town squares with their charming little store fronts, fountains, and all. You really would never get a sense that it is the home of the world's largest retail behemoth. I like the idea of ordering at a counter and then getting out of the way while waiting casually for my food without having to entertain a chain waiter. For some reason chain restaurants think that the more a waiter (waitress, waitperson, whatevs) interacts with you the better your experience will be. If you have ever been to a really nice restaurant you know that the waitstaff should make sure you get your food, keep your drinks coming, and do it in such a way that is complete unobtrusive. I don't want to know your life story. Sorry. I don't know why you would ever ask someone if they have been to Chili's before. Good forbid you go to a P.F. Chang's. You will spend more time listening to the waiter explain all the different crap they put on your table or asking if you have food allergies than you do socializing with your company. Anyway, the point is I like to order and git.

The joint my girlfriend and I were eating at on this particular day had a sort of schizo menu. One large poster board here, a bigger menu behind the counter, a random piece of paper taped here or there. Since it was my first time there it was a little overwhelming and the pressure of making a decision on the spot so I can get out of the way of the streams of old folks waiting to order was almost too much. I saw an item that came with sides. Where could I find the sides? I looked for which piece of paper, cardboard, or post it that might enlighten me. The waitress enthusiastically pointed to the list of sides on a sheet of paper taped to the front of a refrigerator case. Duh! Why wouldn't I have looked there? Among the items I saw "freedom fries" listed. Freedom fries? I didn't know if that meant it came with chili or apple pie or a gun. The dude behind the counter explained it was their version of french fries but that they are soooo patriotic they call them "freedom fries." ??? I guess they don't know that the "french" in french fries refers to the cut of the potato and not the country of origin, otherwise they would be "French fries." I stood there an looked at him for a minute like, "really?" I'm not some Kraut trying to take over your store, I just want to order lunch. He quickly pointed to the wall and said they are so patriotic they have a copy of The Constitution on the wall. The one covered in grease, stained yellow probably from the good old days when you could smoke where people eat? Oooo-kay? I just looked at him. At that point I just wanted to order and get out of the way. I was clearly out of my element.

The food was good. I can say I went. And now I know what freedom fries are.

Hair

2011-10-04T11:22:00.000-05:00

I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy, snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty...but not in my food, please.

I have always struggled with my hair. From clogging drains to getting caught in the mysterious workings of the vacuum cleaner, my hair has long been a source of annoyance. No kidding, I actually got in trouble when the vacuum cleaner quit working because, although there were eight other people living in our home at any given time, somehow my grandmother knew it was my hair that ultimately brought the machine to its knees.

Like most women, I have puffed up and thought, "I'll show you who's boss - I'm going to cut it off." To this day a hair appointment causes a mixture of nervous excitement. A great cut can do wonders. A not-so-snazzy cut can ruin you. Just knowing the stylist is going to expect me to be prepared with a vision and picture is almost more pressure than I can bear. I always chicken out. Then, later on, I think that I should have been more bold. Next time.

I shed. We all shed. There's nothing I can do about it. I have pleaded for assurance from stylists that I am not going bald. I feel like I pull hands full of hair from head daily. It's on the counters, the floors, woven into my sweaters. I joke with my girlfriend that I would never get away with any crime because I leave a DNA trail everywhere. She tells me I'm screwed in the crime department.

My girlfriend and cat shed too. It is the secondary reason I hate potlucks, the first being that I just hate potlucks. I am always paranoid that whatever I bring will have hair in it, mine or the cat's. Hair has a crafty way of working itself into anything. Like magic. One day after thoroughly cleaning the kitchen, I had a banana. I peeled it and I'll be goddamned if I didn't find a hair on the banana that I just peeled. Now how the hell is that possible? At that moment I gave up. I can never win.

Praise the Lord....

2011-09-27T11:03:00.010-05:00

.....and pass the ammunition.

I have been disappointed by the United States' reaction to the changes in the Arab world over the last year. I thought we were supposed to be the champions of democracy and a shining example of freedom across the globe. So why haven't we supported a single uprising during the Arab Spring? Except Lybia. Sorta. But that was only because the United Nations got involved. I can understand that we cannot afford to be involved any more conflicts around the globe but I don't understand why the United States wouldn't at least openly support the efforts of the oppressed to break free from their oppressors. We are more worried about making sure we don't kiss the wrong ass until a clear winner is decided. So much for idealism. I thought (more like hoped) Obama may be different.
I am equally disappointed by how the US is handling the Palestinian bid for statehood via the UN. They have been forced to "negotiate" in a situation where they clearly do not have the upper hand. How do you call that a negotiation? Israel has had the upper hand. And by "upper hand" I mean the support of the US. It is like a teenager negotiating with a toddler for a sucker. Clearly the toddler has no chance in that negotiation and the teenager has no reason to not take advantage of their position of power.

With the history of violence between the two groups I don't understand why the United States wouldn't at least commend the Palestinians for diligently seeking a peaceful means to get what they want. I have said before that I cannot for the life of me figure out what Israel has over the US. Do they have a sex tape or nude pictures of us all? Do they know what we did last summer? When our car broke down on a lonely, dark road?

Our steadfast and blind allegiance to Israel is and has been nothing but trouble for us. They continue to alienate themselves in the Arab world and will pull us down like an anchor in a situation where we are already unliked, unwanted, and not trusted. Didn't hear a peep from the US when Israelis shot innocent people on a Turkish ship last year. If it had been an attack on an Israeli ship we would probably be engaged in yet another war we cannot afford right now. I think the Palestinians have made a smart move. They've won sympathy in the global community. They have clearly marked themselves as victims which makes the Israelis look like jerks. Besides, I think the Palestinians made a ballsy move and I like ballsy.

If the United States is to survive we HAVE TO KEEP RELIGION OUT OF OUR GOVERNMENT. Think of what the people in the Middle East could have accomplished in the last two thousand years if they hadn't been fighting. Hell, where would the US be if WE hadn't spent the last decade fighting two wars? There will never be an end to the fighting. Ever. It....never....effin.....ends. People still think that women should not lead nations or the military. Because they think we are too emotional. What is more emotional than religion? Religion is not based on fact or logic, it is pure hocus pocus and raw emotion. I'm all for a little magic or mysticism in life. But it is no way to govern and certainly no way to lead.

Corporate Brainwashing....I Mean Marketing

2011-09-27T11:00:00.000-05:00

Ah, Marketing....

Have you ever noticed that ads for cleaning products always (always) feature women doing the cleaning? If a dude is in a commercial he is doing something clearly retarded and a woman has to come along and save the day. Because while women still struggle to understand complex thingies with our female brains we are born chemists able to decipher the toughest stains and spills and quickly discern the best method of removing them. The first product to advertise a dude/dudes cleaning will be the one I purchase.

Depending on your perspective, the world is made for short people or tall people. I struggle with my perspective as the tallest short person you could ever meet. However, I do feel most things are made for tall/large men. Cabinets, shelves, cars..... I tell my friends constantly that the first car I see marketed towards the vertically challenged will the next one I buy, no matter what it costs.

I am sick and tired of my seat belt trying to strangle me. Even the little adjustable ones NEVER, EVER, EVER adjust low enough to not choke me or give me an attractive burn across my neck and chest. Although I am a believer in the seat belt, lately I have opted to pull the top strap over my head so that it sit between the seat and my back. Safe? Maybe not. I have heard of people going through windshields and surviving. I have yet to hear of anyone surviving decapitation. Lumbar support? Yeah, if my lumbar were located in the middle of my back.

Is it so much to ask for? Why can't I have a car where the seat belt isn't trying to kill me, the headrest actually supports my head and not my halo, the seat adjusts to where I can see over the hood.....and for the love of gawd.....a car with a place to put my effin purse? I don't like to put it in the back seat. And what if the car is full? How do I decide who gets to hold my bag? Instead of having a console between the two front seats that opens up to stuff with crap, how about putting a cradle to hold the purse I already use to hold all my crap? How about that?!?!?!?!

Physics Lesson 1

2011-09-27T10:39:00.000-05:00

Driving is a great way to experience the natural laws that keep this universe stitched together. For instance, some folks don't seem to understand that I cannot go faster than the person in front of me. Well, technically I can. But not for long.

You can get away with breaking man's laws but not the laws of nature.

Land of Mistakes?

2011-09-13T15:00:00.000-05:00

If you spend more than five minutes anywhere, you can almost always find room for improvement. Some see this as negative or nit-picking. I just assume we all want things to be as awesome as possible. Just because something can be better doesn't make it bad. In my opinion.

Since I spend most of my waking moments at work in The Factory, it is the one place I find the most "opportunities." I am no English guru and fancy myself pretty easy going. Some of the emails that I read literally make my face hurt. The rampant misuse of the pronoun "myself" continues to get worse. Please, for the love of god, stop using "myself" instead of "me" or "I." Please, make it stop!!!! As in I read a statement such as the following several times each day "...respond to so-and-so or myself by the end of the day." ??? Really??

Recently another, even more outlandish phrase has come into play which is driving "myself" bonkers. See? Even if you say it out loud it sounds ridiculous. I have recently noticed emails with the phrase "I see opportunities with the information below." This translates to "Hey, I found something wrong with the information below." Our largest consumer of the minutia we make is to blame for this ridiculousness. Since they are a supernova-sized client, whatever they do is golden, even if it's poo. I asked my lead if I understood the term correctly. "Yeah, basically there are saying we made a mistake." Opportunity = mistake? How absurd. We have a conversation about the absurdity of this phrasing and laugh about it. Like instead of the "Land of Opportunity" would we be the "Land of Mistakes?" Then I get an email from her explaining about some other "opportunities" that were found. Really? I don't get it. And I'm feeling more like I can't stop it either. ((Big defeated sigh))

Agenda

2011-09-13T14:17:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe the uproar over Chaz Bono appearing on the Dancing With The Stars. Some part of me feels like I shouldn't be surprised but I am continuously amazed at the blatant self-righteous bigotry in this country.

The idea that any entity is "pushing the GLTB agenda" is a supremely retarded. "Pushing" an agenda is what conservative fanatics do. They are not satisfied with enjoying their right to live without birth control, without reproductive rights, drinking, gay relationships.... Oh no, that isn't good enough. They want to control what all of us do. "Pushing" a liberal agenda would require a fiercely concerted effort to mandate crazy things such as requiring everyone of reproductive age to be on birth control, or revising the definition of marriage to exclude hetero couples, or even to require all adults consume alcohol on a daily basis. Wouldn't that be ridiculous? But conservatives can't see the absurdity of their own fear-based "logic." If you want to be controlled by fear, go ahead and live that way. I support your right to do so. But don't try to step on my liberty just so you can feel okay about your life.

It is unfortunate, and I could argue perverse, to see gender merely as sexual identity. When I get to know someone I don't ever wonder what that person and their primary do behind closed doors, or in cars, or whatever. But, it is obviously the first and only thing many people think about when they get to know me or see my girlfriend and me together. Thinking about it to a point to become consumed with it, that it becomes a mission to wage war against people who are minding their own business which sounds really kooky to me. And super creepy. Bigots are thinking about waaaayyyyy more than we are. Clearly. I have other things to think about like a mortgage, my family, the economy, retirement, vacations, shopping, friends, moving, the weather... So if we judge gayness by how much someone is thinking about gayness, who is really gay?

Until all are equal, none are equal. When you take away from others, you take from yourself. There is no end to the potential dividing lines among us. Gender equality continues to be a struggle for us as does race, socio-economic status, religion, and yet we continue to look for ways to separate ourselves from one another. Isn't life difficult enough without creating imaginary problems? Even if the whole world was white, male, Protestant, and rich, there would still be ways to segregate the population whether by height, then hair color, lineage.... Will there ever be a time we don't look to our brothers to see how we can be better than they are? That is the key right there. Too many of us have a need to feel better than someone else. What could be more insecure than that? Is it really your life if you can only see it as it relates to everyone else? I say it isn't. That is your bondage. And while the Reformers are praying for us to be free of our demonic bondage, I also pray for them, that one day they too can know true freedom.

Can You Hear Us Now?

2011-08-24T14:32:00.004-05:00

Regardless what spin the RNC wants to put on the recall situations in Wisconsin and Ohio, the truth is The People finally have a victory. It's about time. I hope the tenaciousness of the real regular working class (not politicians riding around in fancy buses who probably haven't put in a real days' work in years) is infectious and spreads across the country for 2012. Maybe, possibly, the Republicans will back off their "The people have spoken and we heard them" rhetoric although I doubt it. Oh the hunger for power....my precious. The issue has never been about The People not speaking (ok...so it kinda is a problem. we're complacent.) Rather the problem is The Establishment not listening to the people and trying to tell us what we think. That last part only works with some people. Seems like there was a famous Republican who said something about being able to fool some of the people all the time and fooling all the people just long enough to take away their personal liberties....or something. My memory sucks.

In addition to speaking for us, the RNC is narrowing voters' selections. Somewhere in a tower, some small faction is making decisions about who gets to run for president and who does not. That doesn't sound like democracy. As I have pointed out in the past, if democracy is sooooo great, why do some always feel the need to tip the scale their way via manipulation or by piling money on their side instead of letting the will of The People decide? Why won't the Republicans acknowledge Ron Paul as a viable candidate?

I can't see myself ever committing to any political party. Nope. I haven't been swept of my feet yet. My fear of commitment is fueled by the fact that there is usually a gi-normous gap between ideology and the manifestation of that ideology. Humans are fallible. That being said, though, I tend to pay special attentions to what the Libertarians claim to be about. I am curious why Ron Paul is being ignored. Someone like me will never, ever, ever vote for someone like Rick Parry or Sarah Palin or Mitt Romney. But (and this is a huge Texas-sized but) I would at least listen to Ron Paul and consider him as a legitimate candidate. I suspect he might appeal to a lot of the people in the middle and even though The Establishment has never remotely supported him, Mr. Paul seems to have a very loyal base. I would guess the Republican party doesn't care for independent thinkers. That is why they don't like Ron Paul. They can't control him. He's not some company man who will get out there and just keep regurgitating the same crap he has been told to whether he believes it or not. Sadly, that is probably the one thing that makes Ron Paul a terrible politician....he won't just say something to get votes. I can at least respect his conviction. Even if I don't agree with everything he's about.

Lord Help Us....

2011-08-07T21:10:00.000-05:00

I don't have a problem with prayer rallies. If more people could be holy this world would be so much better. Besides, since prayin' folks are usually the one fightin' the rest of the time I say keep'm prayin' as much as possible.

I thought it was funny to have a sponsor for a fasting and prayer rally. Hell, that's the event I want to sponsor...the event where no one is eating, drinking, or speaking. Sounds like a cheap date to me.

Don't get me wrong, I think Rick Perry is a douche like the rest of the conservative extremists. Who jogs with a pistol? Who shoots a coyote for no reason while jogging? Why not fire a warning shot in the air? Oh yeah, cause he's a douche. What kind of insecure asshole kills another human being out of spite before honoring an international request to review the case? I can respect the argument that no state is bound by an international ruling but why not just do it out of graciousness? If you feel there is nothing to hide, why not comply? Erring on the side of caution and grace is never a bad thing. What the hell do they put in the water there in Texas? It's like they all have short man syndrome.

I know some liberals have voiced their feelings about the prayer gathering. I saw some responses from conservatives about how liberals are intolerant of religion. That's where you are wrong. The real difference between liberals and conservatives is that when liberals don't like something they don't try to take it away from you, conservatives do. They don't have to like it. And they should be able to voice their opinions. This is still America and free speech is one of the few rights we mostly have. My girlfriend and I recently had a conversation about this point. It wasn't good enough for me to support her in whatever it was without also liking it. I don't her I can control my actions but I cannot control my feelings about things any more than she can. So we agree to disagree without hindering anyone's personal freedoms. It's that easy.

Seeing pictures of Rick Perry at the rally standing in front of the jumbotron all smug and superior did frighten me a bit. If there is a pool going for who the Antichrist may be.......I think I may put some money on this one. He might end up being a super-Republican.

I Can Speak For Myself

2011-08-07T20:50:00.000-05:00

I am sick of pundits from both sides of the political spectrum pushing their agenda with the tag, "The American people are too smart for...." It is a back handed way to slam the people who disagree with you. It's transparent and patronizing. I would prefer everyone quit that.

As Republicans made gains in the House last election I listened to their leaders say "The American people have spoken. They want to be heard" Unless they are protesting vigorously in the Wisconsin Capitol building. Then, they are just a bunch of crazed hippies. I'm going to tell you a story. When I moved a couple of years ago and changed the address on my driver's license I also registered to vote in my new county. When election time came around and I called to check on my voter card and polling station I learned that my registration had not been moved. I had enough to register anyway. But I didn't. For the first time since I turned 18 I did not vote. I suspect I wasn't the only one. I'm not sure what Bohener and McConnell heard, but I bet it was a deafening silence.

I know that non-votes are little victories for the conservatives as they are systematically trying to dismantle the voting rights of millions of Americans. Of all people to worry about voter fraud, it is most amusing that the party responsible for rigging the 2000 election in Bush's favor is the one tackling the non-issue of voter fraud. They just want to make sure the illegal immigrants (Mexicans) can't vote and want to make it as uncomfortable as possible for legal immigrants, the poor, and all minorities. Why? Because those people tend to support progressives.

I don't need these things spelled out for me with a statement starting off with a patronizing tag. Just because the Republican Machine is a well oiled propaganda machine doesn't mean that progressives have to or even should mimic their tactics.

I know President Obama got flack for allowing Congress to make a spectacle of itself without getting into the fracas over the debt debate and spending cuts. But I think he did the right thing. No matter what Obama would have come up with, it would have been torn apart and vilified. Instead, he allowed the temper tantrum to play out in front of the world and I don't think there will be any question as to which party is to blame. I understand debt is a problem. With a deadline looming it wasn't the time to pick this battle. If debt is such an important issue maybe Republicans should have been tackling it all along instead of trying to pass all the anti-abortion laws, voter registration laws, immigration laws....just sayin'.

I'm a bit of a gambler. I will take a crisp $20 bill to the casino once in a while. I buy lottery tickets. Although I try to be tactful I will occasionally push my luck with my words. I didn't vote this last election. You can bet that I'll be voting this next time, though.

I also don't forget that in America democracy = money. I vote with my dollars as much as possible. I shy from big box stores and I don't care for big name brands. Anytime I can give my money to a small mom & pop operation I do. Regular Americans need to take our wealth back from the government and the big business that runs it. Stop shopping at large stores and eating at chain restaurants. Support your neighbor's businesses. We need to quit relying on the government and Walmart for our jobs. If more small businesses could survive, we could dismantle the machine. It is a proven fact that business owners are generally more prosperous and happier. Don't more people deserve the satisfaction and security of providing for themselves. It is one of the only ways for the little people to take the country back.

The Blame Game

2011-08-07T20:05:00.002-05:00

I'm usually a huge fan of games but.....

Both parties (there are actually more but as long as you get some choice it still counts as democracy) are blaming the other for our credit downgrade. I blame them all. I figure it at about a 70/30 split. I say the conservatives have the larger share. Who started the cluster kerfuffle about the debt ceiling? A routine they've voted for in the past without incident all of a sudden reared its ugly head and demanded immediate popping. And now subsequently left a giant, gaping hole right on our face. No, it's pretty much your guy's fault.

I place 30% of the blame on Democrats, though. They need to grow a set and start standing up to the Dark Side like their colleagues in Wisconsin. I hope you take on the extended tax cuts for the wealthy a.k.a "Job Killing Tax Hikes!" What a bunch of babies!!! The cuts in question were in place when the economy tanked and millions of Americans lost jobs (were those the jobs supposedly created wth the tax cuts or was it some other jobs somewhere else?). They are in place now as the economy struggles to recover. So.....how come no one is calling bullshit on the "Job Killing" tax hikes?

Cherry Pickin'

2011-08-02T10:58:00.000-05:00

Ok, cherries are my favorite fruit. And I really, really like the Ranier cherries. That is until a nice nectarine or plum catches my eye. Or a lovely peach.

I look forward to cherry time each year. About June. I don't buy the first cherries because they are usually not good. You have to wait until it's time. And things are definitely not like they used to be. Once upon a time fruit wasn't bundled up in bags or little boxes. You could pick each piece individually and you only got as much as you wanted. For instance, cherries are packed in giant bags trying to force you to buy like $10 of cherries at a time. It's just me. I don't need two pounds of cherries at a time. On top of that they expect you to just buy the bag regardless how many bad cherries there are. Au contraire....I will smooth open the bag and pick out the less than perfect ones. And I will whittle down a giant bag until I only have what I want. I do get weird stares from others at times but it's my money. I should get to decide how I spend it.

Occasionally I get stared at for smelling fruit before I buy it. I don't know how to select produce confidently without smelling it first. If it doesn't smell, it doesn't taste. It's one reason I don't buy fruit from a cooler; cold fruit generally has no scent regardless what its condition is. How do I know I have the best one?

Cinderella Fit

2011-07-22T11:04:00.000-05:00

I pride myself in being patient, understanding, compassionate. I try to be selfless and considerate. Even if something irritates me I try to reason myself out of it or push it aside for the greater good. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it takes work. I know I have a temper and I have a pretty finite view of right and wrong, so when I say that I "work" at it, I mean I really work at it. Today I just don't feel like being the bigger person. I want to stomp my feet and pitch a fit until I get my way. Goddamnit!!!

Sometimes the problem with being strong or a rock is that others just take it for granted. I am human. I have needs too and today I need to be a princess. Goddamnit!!! I'm not even happy with the cat today because he's been taking me for granted too. I even get to work today and have a project dumped in my lap that has to go out today without being asked because it's assumed that Fairey will just take care of it. Like I just live for that shit.

Being a type A Cinderella I guess I will take the princess matter into my own hands. I think I am going to treat myself after work tonight. Goddamnit!

Fox-Some-of-the-News!

2011-07-21T10:22:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I've been busy with lots of stuff. I still listen to the news on the way to and from work, though. I love NPR. The world hasn't changed much in the last few months. Washington is still full of douche bags. Fox News - douche bags. There is so much douche-baggery that is has spilled across the Atlantic to England. I love listening to the indignant responses to inquiries about phone hacking...."I cannot believe you would suggest such a thing..." I don't know about other places, but here in the States when someone acts indignant and tries to make you look like you are wrong by simply asking a question, they are usually guilty. (I learned that by working retail and dealing with shoplifters and watching various police dramas) Ask me if I hacked into someone's phone and I would be like, "Uh, no. Wouldn't have thought to do something like that." That would be the end of it.

And who hires tabloid workers for government positions? Republicans? I have to point to them because the well constructed relationship between conservatives and the Murdoch empire and his shameless promotion of their twisted slant on reality is well documented. But, since Fox News does not report that part of the fair or balanced, their followers don't get it. I would think hiring any media person for a government job would be a conflict of interest. (Big fat period) Do you think the CIA or FBI would recycle a reporter? Probably not. And there is a reason. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't want to be associated with anyone in the media on a tight, personal basis. But that's just me I guess.

As I follow the "news," I have to say thank gawd for Jon Stewart. I love that he calls Fox News out on their blatant double standards. Making a huge deal of the Weiner thing and NPR but nary a peep about the global scandal involving Rupert Murdoch. Really? For them to say we have real issues to talk about like the debt ceiling, blah, blah, blah and mock other news outlets for making such a big deal about the Murdoch scandal but didn't have a problem constantly flashing photos of a man's crotch for days can't be a more blatant double standard......really? Either Fox News viewers are literally potatoes or....I just don't know. Again, based on my personal experience, Fox News' indignation is a sign of guilt. Turning their noses up at the other bottom feeders and mocking them reminds me of George Bush belittling reporters just for asking questions. Here's the news flash: it is a big fucking deal, assholes!!!! After all, morally slanted (depending on who is doing them) tactics such as phone hacking and bribery are exactly the sort of ugliness Republicans think they should be able to engage in during the regular course of business. So, is it really a big surprise that Fox News scoffs at such a wide spread scandal that devastated the family of a murdered child? Wow, I thought the conservatives are supposed to be all about the family and protecting life. If Fox News is not in the business of reporting the news, what are they really in the business of? Maybe they should change their name to Fox Some-of-the-News! As a matter of fact, that is what I will officially start calling them.

Stirring the Cosmic Pot

2011-07-18T12:34:00.000-05:00

Lots going on. Ugh.

Reconciled with Smufette. We get her completely moved back in (yes, I helped even though it's a thousand degrees out and I would be justified to be an ass about it) only to plan another move. She is in Little Rock this very moment working out the details for a new job. We don't have enough time to start the trend in other countries where you leave your furniture when you move so we plan to sell as much as possible. Seriously, I would rather set fire to shit than move it again. The good news is we don't have to leave the area and although I usually loathe the idea of moving, I am kind of excited about it. It all ties in with the new beginnings theme going on right now. So.....that's most of it in a nutshell. Had a couple of crazy weeks at work and glad that is over. Lots of stuff going on in the world but honestly I've been more consumed with my little world.

New York, New York

2011-06-23T10:09:00.000-05:00

All doting gay eyes are on New York. Waiting...still....

There is only one right thing to do: protect the civil rights of all Americans. I don't say "grant" them because I feel that we already have constitutional rights as Americans. We just need to make it more illegal to deny them.

There are two ways to look at the issue of gay marriage. Either way the result should be the same. Marriage is treated two ways in this country: as a religious institution which really should be managed and monitored by the officiating faith and it is also treated as a civil matter managed and monitored by the government. We need to decide once and for all whether marriage is a religious ceremony which the government should butt out of or whether marriage is a civil liberty to be regulated by the government in which case it should be available to all Americans.

Freedom of Religion

I hear the religious whiners are grasping at straws and trying to portray themselves as victims in an attempt to stall the inevitable by saying they should be forced to perform ceremonies for gay couples. I actually do support the idea that no religious representative should be forced to do something they feel goes against their religious views. So if you don't want to perform a marriage ceremony for a same sex couple, I support your freedom of religion to not do so. Based on the same principle, though, I do not feel the government should be able to impose restrictions on religious groups which support marriage for same sex couples. It is the same thing. So, go ahead and argue your right to be a bigot but understand that your same argument about religious freedom guaranteed under the Constitution applies to the right to marry gays as well as the right to be a pontificating bigot.

If it is decided that marriage is a religious right, then I would move to stop issuing marriage licenses and for our court system to no longer preside over divorce proceedings. As a religious institution, those details should be handled via the officiating religious entity. There is no reason the average taxpayer, especially those of us who pay for things we are denied to participate in, should have to pay to sort out "religious" matters. I firmly believe in separation of church and state.

Civil Rights

If the people of this country decide that marriage is something that should be licensed and regulated by the government, then the right to marry is a civil right. As I have stated time and time again, there are already provisions in our Constitution which guarantee civil rights to all Americans. As a civil matter gay marriage poses absolutely no threat to the freedom of religion. Unlike the religious fanatics who wish to impose their religion on all of America, a civil right makes no imposition on the same individuals. It merely gives an option for those who wish to partake in it. If the GLTB community were fighting to mandate that all marriages had to be same sex marriages (sounds nutty and wrong when you put it that way, doesn't it?), that would be the equivalent of saying all marriages must be between a man and a woman.

Regardless what happens in New York's vote to legalize gay marriage it's going to be a big deal. I would say that coming up on an election year would make it even more contentious but I don't think we are ever out of an election crucible anymore. No sooner is one vote over and we are already focusing on the one.

Waterloo

2011-06-23T09:13:00.001-05:00

Hmm....I find it amusing that Michele Bachmann would announce (again) that she is running for president from Waterloo. Almost poetic.

I Must Be Stopped

2011-06-22T13:28:00.000-05:00

OMGJ! (Oh M'God, Jeezus) I have nearly killed three people today. I have two speeds: Get the eff outta my way and coma. That's it. I don't know why I walk with such a fierceness like I'm being chased by fire. Ugh! Must cut it out. I think people are starting to fear me.

On the other hand, if you walk like you mean it people sure do take you seriously. In high school with my hair pulled up in a bun sometimes and wearing my glasses and my fierce walk I could actually get other students to part and let me through. Until they realized I was just one of them and not someone important. But still, I need to quit running people over. Literally.

Where Do You See Yourself In Five Years

2011-06-22T09:37:00.004-05:00

Where do you see yourself in five years?

This has to be the lamest question ever. It takes everything I have not to roll my eyes at the lazy interviewer from 1950 asking me this crap. The honest answer is I see myself on a beach figuring out what to do with all my lottery winnings. That's where I see myself in five years. This is just my plan B. And the first circus that rolls through town bumps this job down to plan C. So....

If I were hiring, I would want to see interesting resumes. Not the same boring crap all the time. And if you call your resume a "curriculum vitae," you are automatically disqualified. Really? Unless you are foreign it just sounds pretentious. Personally, I would put on my own resume (if I wasn't afraid) that I am an awesome four-leaf clover finder (My secret? All you have to do is look for them.) Things like juggling or baking would mean as much to me as your actual skillset. You can teach a monkey to fax or send emails or run a meeting. I would be more inclined to hire the monkey because I think it would be more fun to work with. Clearly I would worry that the monkey would throw its poop at co-workers or clients but I would have to hope that the right people got hit. Some folks need a little poop thrown at them. Just sayin'.

Sense of humor is the other litmus test. You have to be smart to be funny. So if you can be funny in an interview (or casual conversation at Starbucks like I would ideally interview) then you are probably in. Unless someone funnier comes along. Although sometimes funny people spend more time being funny than actually working. Hmm....so that could be a problem. Depending on the job requirements of course. I might rethink that. But, if you have a swimming pool....

Car Bombs

2011-06-18T11:22:00.000-05:00

Dinner and drinks with friends last night at Waxy O'Shea's in Branson. I had my first car bomb. I had five more after that. Might be my new drink. They go down easy and fast. Easy to maintain and control the buzz.

My friends are into their heritage and know an awful lot about Irish food which I was really leery of. I enjoyed everything I tried. Pleasantly surprised. They explained bangers and mash, (gulp) blood pudding, and various spirits. The menu had two types of whiskey featured: Jameson's and Bushnell's. They were explaining that one was considered a Catholic whisky and the other protestant. I told them that I had never heard of Bushnell's so Jameson had to be the Catholic whisky. Although I hate the phone monkey society we've become, it is more fun to settle things right then in the pub than the next day when you're not even sure what happened. So I taught my friends a new acronym I learned at work, GTS - Google That Shit. Woohoo, my deduction paid off in the whiskey question.

We heard the Tiffany Christopher band. I thought they were great and could have stayed longer. We ended the evening with my favorite game of dodging critters on the dark highway back home. Lovely evening. I love summer nights.

A Rose By Any Other Name.....

2011-06-18T11:05:00.000-05:00

Goddess, God, Jehovah, Yaweh, Supreme Being, Big Daddy, Higher Power, Spirit in the Sky, Allah.........

The Word of God?

God speaks so slowly that it takes generations to "hear" His words. Let's face it, time is man's idea, not God's.

I personally witnessed the awful sign above in the town I live in. How foul. I'm a total heathen and I am beyond offened that man thinks he can speak for God let alone use "His words" to attack someone else's path to Him? It is so blatantly wrong and irrational that I can't believe someone would have the nerve to say you thought something like that let alone put it on a sign next to a highway. It really blows my mind. And, no shit, the preacher deffended his actions in the local paper when he was whining about having been vandalized when someone changed his sign to read tolerantly, rationally, and more "Christian-like." Besides, I'm pretty certain "Allah" is not mentioned in the bible. But what do I know?

Oh My God, Jesus!

2011-06-16T12:51:00.001-05:00

I thought there were a lot of blogs about knitting but there are probably more blogs about Jesus than anything. Probably even more than there are blogs about food. Sorry, but if we haven't gotten it after 2,000 years of fighting about it, we're probably not going to. I'm all about giving it the old college try but goddamn!

With so much bible pushing in world you would think we would have the most peaceful, loving planet where there is no hunger or rape or elderly in nursing homes or orphans. I think the reason the aliens haven't made formal contact with us yet is they are afraid. Who wouldn't be?

I like to read other blogs too. But frankly I get tired of pushing the next button again, and again, and again waiting for a blog that wasn't about religion. I've said before that if you have to sell it, it probably ain't worth havin'. I love how people put in their profiles "Servant of God." Why announce it? People will figure it out if it is so. Just like the modern missionary - really? Do you think there is anyone on the planet who hasn't heard of God or Jesus? You can put your feet up and stop spreading it around. Besides, there is a big difference in doing things because you have to and doing things because you want to. If I was a bettin' girl, and sometimes I am, I would bet God would rather you do something because you want to. I don't know if it counts to do things because you have to unless it is part of the process of changing your wants. Like you don't necessarily start out wanting to work out but after a while it feels weird if you don't.

Don't be afraid to walk alone. Jesus did it. I do it every day. I don't do things a certain way or preach how things should be done to convince others. I do what I think is right and I feel like I enjoy the ultimate freedom. I don't have any little rules I have to follow, I don't have anyone to answer to, and although I am difficult to sway I am not afraid of others' ideas. I'm not afraid to die. I don't believe in heaven or hell. Pure freedom. I don't even want to convince anyone that my freedom is right for anyone else. If you feel good and free with your religion, fantastic. I would never dream of taking it away from you. But don't try to take mine from me.

Kiss My Grits

2011-06-15T15:24:00.005-05:00

When Justin Bieber sings Baby, Baby, Baby, am I the only one who hears Gravy, Gravy, Gravy?

I guess I just love gravy. And biscuits. Together they are magical. They are just about the only southern food I really like.

I hate tea. I don't care how you fix it. Hot, cold, sweet, with lemon, with honey, with milk. I do not like it in a boat. I do not like it with a goat. Don't care for the okra or sweet potatoes, especially if you put sugar and cinnamon all over them. I don't like that weird jelly stuff in pecan pies. I don't like any kind of food that is still looking at me when it comes like crayfish. They look like giant bugs anyway. And what a waste; all that work for bitty bite of nothing. And I am not sucking on anything like crayfish heads or any kind of bones. Ick. Nor do I plan to watch anyone one else sucking on bones or critters while I eat. Really, have you ever been to Chili's and seen someone eating ribs? Not attractive. Nor is walking around some festival where people walk around chawing on giant turkey legs. Yeah, that's who you want to spend the rest of your life with - a caveman or woman. Mmmmm, sexy.

You can kiss my grits because I'm sure not going to eat them. At one time I would have said the same thing about cornbread because I never liked it either. Or tamales...something about the texture of cornmeal that I usually don't care for. I have had the "beloved" Jiffy mix prepared just about every way it can be and still it's like garlic to a vampire. The only way, I mean the only way, I will eat cornbread is if I make it. From scratch. In a cast iron skillet.

I prefer vegetables that have not been boiled to mush and that are not covered in cheese. I love cheese. LOVE IT. But not on vegetables. I can't tell you how many vegetables I thought I hated because they had been boiled or came out of a can and then covered in cheese. But I do like greens. I prefer them braised to boiled. Then again, I love anything I can put vinegar and/or hot sauce on. That is one thing Southerners have right; everything is better with hot sauce on it. Or pepper relish.

I like fried food as much as the next person but I don't want it all the time. Really you can bread and fry just about anything and it is yummy! That being said, I loathe going places where things are being fried. Gas stations really should have to put a sign out front if they fry things inside. Nothing pisses me off first thing in the morning than going somewhere all showered and smellin' good only to walk into a smelly, greasy gas station and smell like that the rest of the day. I sure won't buy anything because I have learned that whatever you buy from one of those places makes your car smell like a Fry Daddy and tastes like dirty, used oil. Yuck. When I go into the factory where I work, I can smell the oil in the air and I always say to myself, "Ah! Nothing like the smell of grease in the morning."

Yes Woman

2011-06-15T12:32:00.001-05:00

I am more of a "no" woman for the most part. I can find an excuse to not do just about anything outside of my regular routine. I watched the Jim Carrey movie Yes Man some time back and although the movie itself was largely forgettable the concept of saying "yes" to more things kinda stuck. Right now I'm in limbo and afraid to want anything because every time I get something I really want it seems to turn to crap. My frame of mind is more like a creature at the bottom of the ocean that doesn't move but just filters whatever comes its way. Pessimistic? Maybe. But I don't care. I have let everything go. Expectations. Desires. Rules. I feel like I'm on hiatus from being an adult right now. Like a moth to flame (or my personal space), I just plan to go and do whatever sounds like the most fun.

I decided a couple of months ago to just start saying "yes" to more things. I'm lucky enough to get asked to do things so why not maximize those opportunities. There was a story a while back about how experiences rather than things are what add the most quality to life. Not having the baggage of my own expectations or exerting my will on situations has taken the sting out of some of the more lackluster outcomes which, in turn, makes stepping out of my comfort zone less intimidating. And I have to admit it helps a whole lot when you don't have anyone to answer to. If I'm on the phone 'til three in the morning or gone every weekend it's nice to know no one is keeping tabs. The good times seem even sweeter, like someone bringing you an ice cream cone out of the blue for no reason at all. Those are the best. Time is going to tick along whether I'm sitting at home doing nothing or out on an adventure so why not just go. So far, it's worked out well. If nothing else, shared experiences have strengthened the bonds I already had. Besides what better way to figure out what you really want than by trying everything. So, when I tell my friends and family that I plan to head out with the next band of gypsies who come through town, I'm really not kidding. I'll stick with a routine, but when I decide to shake things up, watch out! My mamma will tell you.

Metro

2011-06-14T09:16:00.000-05:00

Experience or experiment? Hard to tell the difference sometimes. In my observations about labeling and how some get trapped into an idea of what they think they should be I am going to offer some advice. I don't care how you identify within the pink/blue spectrum, there is absolutely no excuse for certain things.

First, dry skin. There is no reason to not put lotion on. I don't care how hot you (think you) are, dry skin is groaty (as in to the max). Ick. This includes hands and feet. I am too thrifty (and ticklish) to go somewhere to get a manicure or pedicure. Generally I feel I do a better job and I don't have to huff a bunch of crazy chemicals for an hour. I can't stress enough that even if you are the dudliest dude or butchest chick, crusty, yellow feet are a giant no-no. Hell, I know you have a sander laying around. Take that baby to your feet once in a while. Keep all your nails trim and watch the cuticles. You can spend an hour on your hair and spritzing yourself with cologne but fugly feet just scream "dirty."

Hair. I think everyone should shave or trim from the eyebrows down. Period. Dudes, there is no reason whatsoever to have hair on your neck. Really, you should be shaving your legs too. And I don't know what the dude standard is for their junk, but I'm going to say everyone should keep the front and back yard tidy. I have had plenty of conversation with my straight sisters and we are all in agreement about the hair situation. And I don't want to hear that "going natural" shit. No. Unless you want to spend your life with another funky hippy. My first girlfriend tried going natural for a while. The smell, oh god the smell! I could always tell where she had been and after a while her funk permiated the furniture so that my nostils were constantly being assaulted by her mustiness. I could not get away from it.

Aside from regular grooming like showering and wearing deorderant and brushing your teeth, keeping skin moisturized and hair in check make all the difference in the world. No one is putting crusty, dry hands anywhere near me. I don't care who you are.

Move Over Mississippi, Here Comes Kansas

2011-06-14T08:40:00.002-05:00

I couldn't believe it when I heard that no where in Wichita, KS can you get an abortion because they are so pro-life they will kill anyone who isn't. Sorry, but from what I've seen of Kansans (Oklahomans and Missourians too) I think they should really rethink this. Lots of bad genes. Lots of them. And clearly not mentally stable. So you got the anti-abortion nuts, that crazy gay hating preacher, Rev. Phelps and his wacky clan, and no government sponsorship of the arts. I do know some awesome people from Kansas but I guess there is a reason they moved away.

People love to make fun of the South and how backwards we are. Clearly the plains states (whatever you call that going on in the middle) are trying to outdo all the Southern stereotypes. There's a long running joke in Arkansas: Thank God for Mississippi (or we would be last in the country in many areas). So any state that makes Mississippi look good has got to be trying really, really hard at it. At this point in time I would live in Mississippi before I would Kansas, Oklahoma, or parts of Missouri. That is some scary shit. At least Mississippi has beaches.

I Am Not What You Say I Am

2011-06-13T09:31:00.033-05:00

.....and you probably aren't what you say you are either.

Ah, good old labels. A place for everything and it's inevitable sibling, everything in its place. The latter of course nails the true function of labels, to keep each of us in our place, to know where the boundary is between us and them. Some words describe some characteristic of a being like man, woman, black, white, poor, etc. Those same words have grown to encompass a wider range of characteristics. For instance, the word man might in addition to describing biological gender may also imply other things such as strong and authoritarian. Conversely female may imply weak or emotional. The innocent words we use to describe each other and the world around us become neat little compartments in which to place all the people we encounter. An even worse problem is when those labels become how we see ourselves and define our own lives. There is as much pressure within the confines of the labeled group as there is from the outside to stay within the lines as demonstrated by Edward Albee's recent criticism for wanting to be seen as a writer instead of a gay writer.

As much as they make me wince labels can be somewhat useful for singles. Especially with same sex dating. However, there are two glaring problems with this system. The first thing I have noticed is that there is a disconnect between how others perceive themselves and how they actually are. You can't even take someone's word on quantitative stats like height. Can't really call them liars if they genuinely believe they are taller than they are. It makes me think that I need to figure out how to assess my own self. Maybe I am not the awesome individual I believe myself to be. But how do you do that? There's that and the fact that people seem so tied to labels as a part of their identity that I can't figure out if that is all they are - a caricature of a person. When someone presents all their ideas and experiences within the confines of the term "butch" I find it bizarre. I wonder which came first - the girl or the label? When asked if in tough situations whether or not I tell myself "to butch up" I had to reply never. I don't feel that I am lacking anything I need to survive. I don't feel like I am less than or weaker than anyone else. I don't think any of us are; each of us is a seed packed with all the necessary ingredients to thrive whether we are destined to be oak trees or orchids. When the going gets tough I tell myself to suck it up and quit being a pussy. How are you supposed to get to know someone when the only way they can express who they is are is one word?

I will not allow myself to be defined by others and I certainly won't be caged by others' definitions. I've said before that I do love to be underestimated. First and foremost I am a spiritual being on a journey. My journey is taking place in a physical body which will also not be allowed to define me and my path is on this particular rock in this particular solar system. Any number of other realities could exist but I'm in this one. I am a sentient being. I am a woman. I am all sorts of things before I am "gay." Frankly, I find it perverse to sum up any other person in sexual terms. Who are the real perverts? As a woman the first two things most people want to know is if I'm married and whether I have kids. Basically, who am I fucking and are those birthing hips being put to use.

I completely understand owning a label cast upon you and finding ways to turn that label into a source of pride, but I get frustrated when others get so tied to one aspect of themselves that it defines their entire lives. It is how the poor and despondent are kept in check and on a path of self destruction. There is no need to go out and round up any group of people for extermination or rehabilitation, we are constantly conditioned to self destruct. And it all starts with allowing ourselves to be summed up in one word, some word assigned to us by others so they can feel more comfortable about their own lives.

Fright Night

2011-06-12T19:59:00.000-05:00

I absolutely couldn't believe it when I saw a commercial for this remake. Sure I was drawn in by the drama and I can hardly resist a movie about vampires. Unless it has anything to do with Twilight. Sorry, total snoozers. But I am such a B movie fan I just don't know if I can stomach a revamped version of Fright Night with all it's snazzy special effects and contemporary actors I don't care about.

During my tweens my adolescent brain was fed a steady diet of horror movies. I just couldn't get enough of them. Growing up we couldn't afford to actually go to the movies. But with video stores aplenty and cheap pizza I was assured of a weekend ritual centered around the glowing tube god in addition to prank calling and popcorn actually popped on the stove the way I still make it. My mother, god love her, never edited my choices. Ever. (Thanks, Mom!) And I turned out totally fine. (LOL) Anyway, my favorite movies to this day include a rash of low budget but, in my humble opinion, fantastic flicks. Night of the Comet, Total Recall, Beastmaster, and Fright Night.

For me movies are still about the story and that is where the beloved B's come in. I don't care about computer animation (sorry Avitards) or explosions or any of that crap. What it boils down to for me is the plot. Take the move 2012. 90% special effects. 10% story that I didn't care about at all. I have yet to finish that movie and I have tried to watch it like three or so times. Blah! It's not to say that special effects don't have a place and can't enhance a story. One example that comes to mind is District 9. Special effects galore, but the story really came through and I was completely drawn in before I knew what was going on. I enjoyed that one a lot. Or stylized films like 300, V for Vendetta, or Sin City which were all awesome were also enhanced by the use of special effects. I find the throwing in gratuitous explosions or tidal waves or monsters just because you can is a diversion for something else which is lacking. Lord of the Rings is another good example of a story which was brought alive with special effects without losing the characters or story. The Fifth Element is another movie I love that is dripping with fancy screen magic.

I generally poo-poo remakes anyway. Really?? Can't come up with any new ideas? Nothing new in the last twenty or so years to capture on film? Really?? I guess that is why I like independent and foreign films so much. Every time I saw a commercial for the new Karate Kid I just wanted to do karate chop the tv. And I don't even want to think about the fury I felt when I read someone was thinking of remaking Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Hell to the no.

Don't know if I'll get around to watching the new Fright Night. Only time will tell. I can tell you right now I don't plan on liking it. Maybe if they had at least come up with a different name I wouldn't be such a hard ass about it. From what I saw I would never have linked the new version to the old one anyway. I dunno.

Weiner Roast

2011-06-10T10:15:00.000-05:00

I guess I'll never understand how this morally superior country can continue to justify chiming in on the personal matters of others and passing 24/7 judgement on everyone we are threatened by. Do we ever get an effin' break? And not to mention the blatant hypocritical double standards playing into all of this which is the issue that really, really irks me.

The first time I saw Representative Weiner I'm sure had to be on The Daily Show. I was an instant fan. I like the way he thinks. Even more I admire fiery individuals who are not afraid to stand up to absurdity and injustice to bring some sanity to a sham of a political system. My experience has been that fiery folks like that are usually firecrackers all the way around so I am not totally surprised by the nature of the scandal he's in. I really did think he was smarter than that, though. I mean really?!?!? How could you not think it would get out?

We're all human. Everyone makes mistakes. Some mistakes are our business. Some are not. Anthony Weiner's case goes into the none of our business category. It would be different if he paraded himself as some conservative crusader, but he hasn't. It's not like he was enlisting prostitutes (which I personally think should be totally legal but clearly still isn't) or looking for anonymous gay sex in an airport restroom while his wife was at home. Somehow sexting pales in comparison. I think trying to take away bargaining rights of working Americans, discriminating against the non-elite, and cutting social programs is a moral issue. It's wrong. But I don't hear liberals browbeating conservative elitists for their shitty moral standards. On top of that, how many republicans are embroiled in their own festering piles of poor judgement, ethics violations, and sex scandals that make Mr. Weiner's scandal look like the edited for tv version of what they are doing.

I knew the republicans would jump on this like zombies on a fresh body and try to turn it into a federal case just like they did with President Clinton. Shame on anyone calling for Mr. Weiner to step down and I'm sure there is a special place in your hell for the hypocrites who are calling for his resignation and not all the other philanderers in Washington, D.C. What a bunch of assholes. I'm a total heathen and I would put my own personal record up against any politician or preacher and feel pretty darn confident. Hell, y'all make me look like a girl scout.

And what a human wart is that Breitbart who went digging for this story along with all his other liberal bashing he's done. (Psst, I wouldn't hold my breath at Pulitzer time) He reminds me of one of those sweaty freak show promoters. My opinion is that he is the real pervert, starved for attention and validation for what I would bet is a twisted obsession for him. And I have to say that I find it distasteful for the women involved to divulge the information they have. Real classy.

Test or Sign?

2011-06-08T13:27:00.001-05:00

This has been a crappy year. The weather has been crappy too. At least everything has matched and coordinated. I can appreciate a good, consistent theme.

Once the snow stopped, the rain came. Last year the lake that was so low I swore I could watch the water being sucked out of it as I drove to and from work. That bridge is currently under water. At first I had to drive through Eureka to get to the highway and go to work. If I didn't enjoy my 45 minute commute enough, the extra fifteen minutes give me plenty of time to think about it. Not only is it longer and curvier, but some days parts of the road were just gone. Surprise! Every day it was something else to contend with. Landslides. Swollen springs exploding and taking the hillside with it. You know, normal stuff. I must admit that I am not usually looking forward to going to work, so anything that makes that process more difficult is extra irritating.

A couple of weeks ago I drove through Eureka on my way home to find that the road I was using was closed. A spring collapsed and took the side of a hill with it. So, driving up through Missouri and back down has been what I would call my last resort. My commute still takes about an hour. The Mark Twain National Forest and the Roaring River State Park are very beautiful. They are the types of places I would take a Sunday drive through. There is only one scary town I have to go through that way, Seligman. Really it's just the gas station that is scary. It is one of those gas stations that has a buffet and doubles as a restaurant. I've only been in there one time. And I thought they were going to eat me. And there was a meth head at the gas pump causing a scene. I just won't stop there any more. I just try to make peace with what I hope will be a temporary situation even though it has been over a month now.

On my way to work on Monday, there was a tree in the middle of the road as I drove through the forest. Really??? An effin tree? And this morning a Rottweiler attacked my car before I even got to the highway. I am starting to wonder if someone or something is trying to keep me from work. Should it be this hard? After seeing the gouges the dog put in my front bumper cover, I am really getting concerned for my well being if I continue to come to work. Can I call in scared? Or cursed? WTF? I'm really not sure what to do any more. Am I being tested? How do I find out without risking death or dismemberment? I am not a religious person, but I have a St. Christopher medallion that I am seriously thinking about digging out to wear to work. Can't hurt. This driving to work every day thing is starting to sound like one of those Greek myths. I feel like I should get something golden when I get there. An apple or fleece or something. At least my troubles provide amusement for others.

Shoot Me In The Face

2011-06-07T15:04:00.000-05:00

Working at a minutia factory can weigh on one's soul. Today I had to attend a 45 minute meeting about roofing materials. I'm just gonna say that I have no idea what I did to deserve that. Think about it - 45 minutes about asphalt, petroleum, and....that was kinda it. For 4 5 e f f i n m i n u t e s.

Al Sharpton

2011-06-03T15:01:00.000-05:00

Omg...saw Al Sharpton host something last night...Ed Show? Not familiar with that one and don't care to become acquainted with it as I watch entirely too much television as it is. Okay, I don't "watch" television as much as I listen to be being on while I do other things. Like chores, dance, smoke cigarettes, play with the phone, do the special yoga moves I invented, and carry on conversations with my cat. Anyway, it is the show that comes on after Rachel Maddow.

When I saw Al Sharpton I thought to myself that it was going to be really good in one way or another as I find him pretty darn hilarious. He was on fire last night. Funny, yes, and in the right way. He was bold, articulate, and coherent. I'm not sure what it was about him that struck me at some point as being "crazy old dude" but he really isn't. As a matter of fact, I think the last time he ran for president I thought his ideas were right on but I could also see why people don't think "President" when they see or hear him. It's kinda like me, I guess....awesome enough to actually be president, but no one is really going to take a radical pot smoking lesbian seriously enough to let me have that job. And I understand. I don't want it bad enough to change anything about myself and although I would seriously have the most awesome cabinet in the history of the world, I'm guessing a lot of them wouldn't go over well either. This country just isn't ready to be fag-u-lous.

The best part of the show was Mr. Sharpton's take on the likes of Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin. I am so glad that someone on television not only called those two 'tards out but also had the nards to take it a step further by conveying the absolute absurdity that anyone takes those two seriously. Clearly, Mr. Sharpton was exasperated by their antics. I could tell by the way he shook his head and just looked at the camera like "can you believe this shit?" I laughed my ass off. The clips of Glenn Beck by themselves were a laugh riot. Those kinds of people have to be on tv because they can't do anything else useful so maybe we shouldn't be so hard on them. I mean, really, where on earth would those two be able to work and earn a real check?

As a side note I have to say that I loved Jon Stewart's rant on Trump's pizza eating method. I'm sorry but the whole media stunt between Palin and Trump was a bunch of horseshit anyway soooo they deserve the sophomoric backlash. Thank goodness there are other people in this country take pizza as seriously as I do. I might need to move to New York. I know that lots of crusts get wasted every day but I can't comprehend how you can not eat the crust. At the very least someone should be collecting all those crusts to send to the starving kids in China like they used to do on You Can't Do That on Television. If you're that concerned about weight, don't go to a pizza joint to begin with.

Legalize It All!!!!

2011-06-02T12:31:00.000-05:00

It's about time policy makers start admitting that the war on drugs is an epic failure. I don't wear tshirts or hats with slogans but I saw the funniest one the other day that basically said the way to solve the crime problem was to legalize everything. Yes! A hippie dude and I had a brief but power punched conversation about it whilst I checked out.

I have been saying this for years - Legalize it all. People are going to do it no matter what. And whatever someone or two consenting someones want to do in privacy should be their own business. I don't even know why people care. I believe most of the laws that limit personal freedom specifically target the poor and minorities, including women. It's why you see prostitutes in jail and not pimps. The jails are full of petty criminals most of whom are poor and/or belong to a minority. The jails are overcrowded and then they get privatized which is complete bullshit. Anytime you create a situation where someone stands to make a profit, there is never any incentive to resolve the problem, only the incentive to increase revenue which is the American standard of success. It's just like there is no incentive in this country to heal people, only to make more money by peddling new pills. My mom told me her Nexium prescription was $300/month. ??? I threw up a little and needed something for my own nausea.

And don't even get me started on what a bunch of bullshit the DEA is. I can't believe the amount of money they spend on helicopters looking for pot when there are so many kids going hungry. I can't believe we can spend the money on this stuff and want to cut spending for education and Medicare. Really???? Effin' retarded. Besides, any government agency that has the latitude of the DEA should be dismantled immediately. Drugs, arms, and free reign.

What to do about all the crime "caused" by the drug epidemic? I've said before drug cartels and gangs should be classified as terrorist organizations. Let's face it, that is what they are doing right now. Are you planning to vacation or retire to Mexico? Bet not. What about the decent people who live in areas where they are afraid to leave their homes, afraid for their children? That sounds exactly like terrorism to me. If someone steals or commits any other crime associated with drug use, punish the crime, not the addiction. Send the military to address the cartels and the gangs. Send the military after those assholes and see how long they survive. The fact that we haven't treated these people like terrorists with military action only proves to me that the government has no real intention of addressing the problem. We've spent 10 years in Afghanistan to kill one dude?!?!?! Meanwhile the citizens of our own country live in fear of their own neighbors?!?!?!? So there must be something else they are after. Power? Unrestricted power? A way to deal in arms? Lining corporate pockets that will return the favor at election time? Just got sick to my stomach again.

The money we save on the DEA can be used to improve the welfare of children, the sick, the elderly, and animals. I can only hope more lawmakers and citizens call for legalizing everything. Maybe the planets are shifting to allow common sense to prevail. I'm doubtful but a girl can dream, can't she?

If You Really Want To Help....

2011-06-02T09:49:00.001-05:00

During the last couple of months I have enjoyed the support of family and friends in a way that I have never needed before. It has been a great exercise for me since I tend to be intensely private about everything. An idea can be explained and the idea can be comprehended in a rational sense, but really understanding some things only comes with experience. A whole new world has been opened up to me and I can't see ever going back.

That being said, one of the most frustrating things has been the constant barrage of cliches. Time heals all wounds. (I personally prefer John Lennon's "time wounds all heals", but...that's just me.) People come into your life and people go out of your life. I went to a counselor to hear that gem. I asked her what's the point of working on any of my relationships if I am just to expect everyone to eventually ebb out of my life. Besides, in thirty-six years I am proud to say that I have managed to maintain relationships from junior high school and even before. So that sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me and it's not the flippant sort of attitude I plan to adopt. Sure with so many people buzzing around these days like gnats I get a constant influx and outflux, but duh! I get that that's life and it wasn't the cause of my heartbreak.

My favorite cliches include you're strong, you'll get passed it, and pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Really helpful. Believe me when I say I understand people are well meaning, but those words come across as really insensitive. They trivialize a very personal and life changing experience. And when the ex keeps telling me she knows I'm strong it truly pisses me off to the core. It's like it's okay to dump on people because you think they can handle it. Like it's an excuse to do whatever the hell you want. It doesn't fly with me. I know I'm strong. And it is that strength that will haunt her forever.

Sometimes the nuggets of clarity I need come from the most unexpected places. Someone I just met told me not to make someone a priority who makes me an option. Brilliant! As soon as I heard the words it was like a new breath filled my lungs. The tumblers fell into place and clarity was unlocked.

If you know someone who is dealing with a break up or other deeply personal loss, please, please, please, for the love of goddesss, don't hit them with cliches. Give them a hug. Spend the night with them. Take them to dinner. Invite them out for a drink. Those are the things that help with loss. And keep doing it well after you think it may be appropriate. Bake cookies together. Hang out. Shop. Do normal stuff.

I have always shied away from rallying the friends during breakups because I feel like it is wrong to lift yourself up by tearing someone else down. I have been the victim of this mentality even when I didn't do anything wrong and I know how it feels and I know how immature I found it. I've never understood the whole picking sides in break ups. However, I have found that the fierce loyalty of my girlfriends and family really has contributed to my healing. I don't feel so crazy for thinking and feeling the way I do because I get constant independent feedback from people whose opinions I value.

I work with a woman who went through a terrible divorce about four years ago after being married twenty-some-odd years. Three kids. New woman. She is still dealing with the aftermath. We talked about the cliches and how they come across and we both agree that real interaction even if just silently watching a movie together is worth more than all the empty words in the universe. So, if I can only ever influence anyone in one way I sincerely hope it is this one. Please pass on the greeting card crap. Opt for a more personal approach and just invite the broken to go grocery shopping with you or hang out watching movies. Or just let them talk. Be real. Be honest. Ask questions. Please.

Palin Trumped Again

2011-06-01T15:24:00.000-05:00

I don't know who would be a worse president: Trump or Palin. They are both a great fit for prime time, but not to run this country. I never paid attention to how odd Donald Trump was until I realized he was in with the birthers. I think that the smarter republican presidential hopefuls are the ones who have bowed out so far. I don't want to say they can't beat Obama, but.....the reality is I wouldn't run against him. So, the smarter ones are just biding their time. Omg, one person on Yahoo posted a Trump/Palin campaign slogan: You're Fired!/I Quit! I must say I am still LMAO. Again, thank goddess there are normal, cognitive Americans out there still.

Then there was the story about the republican governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, who took a state helicopter to his kid's baseball game. Really? Same republicans bitchin' about debt and spending cuts? Really? This is indicative of what is really fueling the republican party - pure ego. And the ego is not known for being intelligence driven. The same republicans who bitch about spending and debt ceiling are the same ones who don't want to raise taxes on the rich (screw the rest of us) and who don't want to let go of their precious subsidies. I am guessing because you will find those subsidies go to industries that generally favor the conservatives so its really like giving themselves money. And why wouldn't you just give yourself money even if it's not yours? Unless you're one of those lame people all worried about principles or something. Whatevs. I'm sure it's totally what Jesus would do.

I think the best thing the Democrats can do is absolutely nothing. I know this can be the more difficult road, but just try to not eff this one up. Try to resist. Let the other side continue to bury themselves in the Medicare debacle, the worker's rights debacle, Palin, Trump, Bachman, craigslist.... It should be a great year for Saturday Night Live which will give me something else to do this year other than count down to the end of the world next year.

Two Kinds of People

2011-05-29T10:54:00.001-05:00

I guess this is a binary world. I have heard many "there are two kinds of people in this world" speeches. I can usually find room in the middle, though, for a lot of people. Or at least enough room for me. Religion, color, socio-economic class, clothing, music preference, whatever.

I think I've decided the two kinds of people there are in the world are inclusive people and exclusive people. Exclusive folks look for ways to draw boundaries around themselves to keep certain types out. Probably has something to do with power and control rooted in some sort of fear. Inclusive people are open and welcoming. There is a certain confidence and independence that is attractive to me about those people. Openness leads to learning, growth, evolution, understanding, and cooperation. Does that sound so scary? Exclusivity closes doors, retards growth, and creates friction where there is no reason for it. Why would anyone chose to live that way?

Relativity

2011-05-29T10:30:00.000-05:00

I have a thing for older women. Always have. So far, ten years has been the biggest gap in age in my relationships. I've never even considered dating anyone younger. No good reason, just haven't.

In looking back, though, I am reconsidering this. My experience has been that aging is really traumatic for a lot of people. Hearing things like "when you get to be my age...or you'll understand...." Ugh! Having my experiences trivialized for any reason is not something I'm looking to get out of any relationship. And the idea that we are doomed to a fate just because we are fortunate to hit certain milestones in life is crazy to me. Aging is going to happen if we are lucky; getting old is a choice. Frankly, I just don't believe in getting old. I have a hard time recalling my exact age sometimes when asked. I usually get the thirty part right but I have to think about the exact number. Unless someone asks, I just don't think about it. I don't view my journey as a track where I have to measure myself against others. I like it more freestyle I guess. Besides, measuring the passage of time is man's notion. I try to ask people if you didn't know how old you are, how old would you feel?

One of the interesting things about my job is that I get to work with a lot of younger people now. It's a different vibe for me because I am used to being the youngest person on site. It never occurs to me to weigh my conversations with my co-workers based on any criteria except the ideas being exchanged. I mentioned to one friend that she should read 1984. When she told me that was the year she was born I started doing the math in my head. It was weird for a second and then I put it right out of my mind. Awesome people are awesome people. Another friend and I had a conversation just the other night about how grown ups suck and being around them can be a drag. Can't help but laugh when I tell people not to trust anyone over 30. I enjoy rubber band fights and practical jokes just like anyone else. I also get to hear lots of conversations wafting over cubicle walls. For the most part, the younger folks seem more independent minded. They listen to the news and are able to sift through a lot of the bullshit. It's the older people who seem more susceptible to hardliners browbeating their spirits into submission. I would say that independent thinking is the one thing I value most in others. I also think you should question authority and never trust the government. :-)

I also have to consider that when I was 20, 30 didn't seem like a big deal. Now that I'm 36, 46 sounds like a whole different ballgame and based on previous experience I can't help but be leery. I don't plan on dealing with any more mid-life crises. Oh, what's a girl to do? I suppose I'll keep doing what I always do which is to base my decisions on qualitative criteria instead of quantitative. And, of course, where I'm having the most fun. I've never had to look for work or trouble, they usually find me. A good time is worth chasing methinks.

Instant Regret

2011-05-27T09:20:00.001-05:00

If you want a taste of instant regret just Facebook friend someone. As soon as I friend someone I almost always poo poo the decision immediately. The constant posting about nothing. I think its better to not know how annoying your friends and potential friends can be. I always warn people that I suck at Facebook. I post maybe once a week and that takes conscious effort. I guess I would rather actually hang out and have actual conversations instead of being subjected to random thoughts throughout the day. I know that's crazy.

I hate talking on the phone too. The phone is for making plans to hang out. Unless distance is an issue and then the phone can be a blessing.

Texting I don't mind so much. I can get to it when I can get to is. I can take my time to answer.

Tweeting? Never done it. Don't get it. Don't care about it.

What I find most amusing about social media is that kids can't wait to be adults so they don't have to report their every move to someone. So what do we do all day? Report every little thing we do to the entire world. Does that make any sense? I'm sure Big Brother appreciates our willingness to be tracked and tagged.

Shoulders and Toes

2011-05-26T10:19:00.000-05:00

Not too long ago The Factory changed the dress code. Of course, the ladies are the ones affected by the changes to the rules. Besides feeling targeted by management there has been discussion about where the new rules came from; what sparked them. The two big things that changed are that we can no longer wear sleeveless shirts OR any shoe with a strap between the toes. ???

Not sure what could possibly be so offensive about either. I understand not wearing just a tank top to a professional office, but there are lots of respectable shirts without sleeves. And the toe thing really has us stumped. I must say we have managed to come up with some freaky explanations for the ban on shoulders and split toe shoes which I will not go into.

We figure we need a chick to make it to management so we can have our input in the dress code. For instance, I'm not a fan of facial hair or baldness. I don't feel like I should have to look at that all day....so.....I'm just biding my time until the there is a running for a spot in management.

Intimidation

2011-05-25T15:45:00.001-05:00

I met someone this weekend who seemed taken aback by the fact that I was not intimidated by her. I think she was a little offended. Sorry, I don't intimidate well. Although she assured me that everyone finds her intimidating in the beginning I was adamant that I was fine. Like, seriously?

In the interest of coming clean, I will admit that any and all social situations cause me anxiety. (I know I'm not the only one) I really thought it would get easier as an adult, but no, the anxiety is always there. What I have gotten really good at is just pushing through that anxiety and embracing the situation for whatever it may become instead of running away. The circumstances don't matter. I may get just as nervous at a small gathering as going to a crowded mall. Too many days away from work and sometimes upon return the anxiousness rivals the first day. So you see, whatever you're bringing to the table is no match for what I'm already carrying. If someone is outgoing, I find it a complete relief instead of intimidating. Takes the pressure off shy little ole me.

Somewhere along the line I realized that sometimes I am going to fuck up. Sometimes I'm going to trip, be a dork, and sometimes it won't be on purpose. And that's okay. Sometimes (most of the time I hope) I am going to be awesome! Those are the times I focus on. As far as being intimidated by an individual, though, if I can work through my own anxiety and manage as well as I do, there is nothing anyone can do to take that away from me. I refuse to be intimidated. Now if I meet someone who can shoot laser beams from his/her eyes, then I might be intimidated. But just a regular old person, not so much.

Sense of Humor

2011-05-25T15:28:00.000-05:00

I swear if I didn't have a sense of humor, I'd be crazy. I'm having dinner with a friend tomorrow which I am very much looking forward to. Not to mention I can't wait to play with the Wii. She expects to get juicy tales from the Land of the Single. Unfortunately I am a disappointment in that area. Even if I try really, really, really hard to get a juicy story it never, ever pans out the way I envision it. (note to self: stop envisioning stuff) I told her at least I would have a funny story for her which didn't disappoint her a bit.

Man, what is it about being single that everyone wants to feed you all the time? I guess it's like your a stray. I have had more free meals the last couple of months than ever before. I am wondering why I would ever give that up? And I am constantly getting invited to stuff. Again, I think people feel sorry for you if you're single. Whatevs. I'm having a great time. I don't have to plan anything. I just sit back and let it come my way and have a good time. There are still the quiet times between free meals and invites. They are a lot easier to deal with when you have something fun to look forward to, though.

End of the World?

2011-05-23T08:20:00.001-05:00

I just knew the world was really going to end this time on May 21, 2011. I have survived many of these predictions. Either there are way more sinners than anyone anticipated left to deal with the aftermath or someone made a boo boo. Predicting the end of the world is the sort of thing you really should be right about. That fact that the world did not end makes this weekend's events seem a little awkward now. Just sayin'. Sometimes you do crazy things if you believe that's it, the world's gonna end. Ooopsie. :-)

Would You Rather

2011-05-16T15:10:00.001-05:00

Would You Rather is a game where you are given two choices and you have to pick one. Obviously the choices are weird, gross, and generally undesirable. My good friend at work has a daily calendar with a new question each day. It's one of my favorite things of the day. And it's fun for her to guess which one I'm going to pick. We usually pick the same. We always joke that we both came from the same star like long lost cosmic sisters. You might be given a choice between having a horizontal buttcrack or burping bubbles the rest of your life. Or a face made of ants vs. lightning bolt fingers. So you can imagine the crazy (often disturbing) scenarios.

Today my buddy read the question to me which started: Would you rather have complete control...
Me: That's the one. You had me at complete control.
Her: I already knew which one you would pick. Would you rather have complete control of the national defense system....
Me: That's the one. Yes. Doesn't matter what the rest of it says.
Her: I know, girl. Me too. I thought of you when I was reading this one.

She finished reading the other choice but I couldn't tell you what it was if my life depended on it.

Good Mood

2011-05-16T13:41:00.000-05:00

It's a beautiful day! Gorgeous! Way cooler than usual for May. I had to borrow socks from my sister this weekend to wear with my sweatshirt and jean jacket. It was chilly. At least the sun is shining today. Everyone seems like they are in a good mood now that they have all just about woken up. Maybe I'm just in a good mood. Either way it's a winning situation for me.

Mom

2011-05-15T21:26:00.000-05:00

Thank God for my mother. She is what you would think a mom should be. She has been my saving grace these last couple of months and always knows how to bring me back to center. Thank you, Mom. I love you.

Seems Like Old Times

2011-05-15T18:32:00.000-05:00

Seems Like Old Times is one of my favorite movies. So charming.

I spent this weekend with my family. Two full days of beer, jello shots, loudness, stories, food, kids, dogs, cats, music, old friends, and new friends. It is the best birthday present I could have gotten.

I grew up in the house where everyone was welcome. We always had a large family and an extended family just as big. Long time friends, co-workers, even the kids' friends. We should have had a revolving door. Especially during the holidays. This weekend reminded me how much I miss that togetherness and it was just what my soul needed. I can talk to them about anything. Anything. Candor, humor, and loyalty are the most important things. Once you're in, you're in.

My family may be dys-funk-tional, but they rally around and help anyone who needs it even when it hurts. I am so fortunate. While other families fight over who gets what when someone dies, my family is rescuing animals and helping others when they need help themselves and they genuinely don't expect anything in return. Salute!

Share The Prosperity?

2011-05-13T13:40:00.000-05:00

Oh, if only we had any to share....

Silly oil companies.

The same people who think hard-working Americans should subsidize oil companies even though they are making record profits in one of the most lucrative businesses on the planet are probably the same ones who were outraged when a certain president said something about the rich "sharing the wealth." Why is it okay for this country's working class to support big business but it's absurd to expect people making billions each year to spread love back our way? I think we should take away their subsidies and their tax breaks. I don't get either, why should they?

And then to hear those guys speak was an eye opener. I listened to their knock-kneed words and I wondered to myself how it is that these idiots make what they make each year and they can't put a single coherent thought together. Really? What can they possibly do to "earn" what they get paid?

And then there are the republicans....so worried about national debt. Unless it affects the rich or big business. They will fight tooth and nail to keep subsidies going to these wealthy businesses but want to take it away from the elderly, children, and the poor. How does this make sense? To listen to the oil executives, they can't make sense of it either so they revert to the modern day equivalent of calling someone a witch...calling them un-American. Classy. I guess there are lots of things money can't buy - class, intelligence, conscience, or articulation to name the first things that come to mind.

Friday 13th

2011-05-13T12:39:00.000-05:00

Friday is my lucky day and 13 is a lucky number!!!

I do have to say it has been kind of a magical day. A magical week. Even though my world still feels foreign to me, I am starting to see the sparkle again. People who usually never talk to me are talking to me and know my name. I can't quite put my finger on it but something is different. Easier. I even have the energy to add a new name to my ass kickin' list which has been neglected the last couple of months. It will be nice to work through some aggression.

Family, great friends, and being surrounded by awesome women really does the soul wonders.

Blogs About Knitting

2011-05-11T12:40:00.001-05:00

I never knew there were so many blogs about knitting. I mean a lot! I think there are more blogs about knitting than there are about Jesus. Just sayin'.

Comfortable Shoes

2011-05-11T10:22:00.000-05:00

If my feet hurt I am miserable. I have a friend who will wear any shoe so long as it is cute. I don't think you have to sacrifice one for the other. There are thousands of shoes out there. I can't think or function if my toes are pinched and as I've gotten older I am less tolerant of any restriction on my feet. Working in a shoe store for a year showed me what bad shoes can do to your feet.

In talking to Blondie, we decided that bad shoes could be useful when dealing with terrorists. Instead of waterboarding or something else so Dark Ages, give terrorists a Brazilian wax, put them in some uncomfortable shoes, and make them walk until they beg for mercy. Blondie added that they should also have to carry a 50lb purse. We could also make them carry a platter of cosmopolitans. Up stairs. They'll be singing in no time.

Water Closets

2011-05-11T09:11:00.001-05:00

If you love your employees, the bathrooms should be a series of water closets. If you don't know what a water closet is, it is an enclosed room within a restroom that has a commode. It is a separate enclosed sanctuary which affords the kind of privacy I believe we all should demand where ever we use the loo.

One thing I can say about The Factory I work for is they have provided us with exceptional lavatories. Everything is automatic. I have gotten so used to is that when I go to a restaurant and wash my hands I walk away and wonder why the water didn't turn off. Duh! I had to turn it on so I have to turn it off. Spoiled.

I don't know about dudes, but as a woman, I really appreciate privacy during certain times of the month. I am not the one who announces I have cramps or blame my moods on my cycle. I feel like that is a private matter. I wish more women felt the same. A water closet not only ensures my privacy but protects me from knowing too much about others too. Now, I am not sure how they came up with minty green paint to go with navy and beige tile, but I just try not to look directly at it. I just want to bring some paint and fix it because it really is offensive to the eye. I mentioned the paint to my Lead and we talked about Miami Beach in the 90's. Ick!

If you love your employees and customers, you will consider water closets instead of the old school stalls. We all love it.

2nd Chance

2011-05-10T12:57:00.000-05:00

We live in an increasingly disposable society. Newer and more fantastic stuff is constantly being flashed before us. The temptation can be soooo great to just see what the new shiny thing will do for us.

I am an admitted cosmetics junkie. I have researched products and ingredients like I'm expecting to get some sort of degree out of it. I try to make informed decisions before I buy, but....there have been times where I just couldn't help myself. I haven't bought anything in the last couple of months and I'm feeling pretty darn good about it. I'm also evaluating if the constant drive to find the perfect skin routine and makeup was a substitute or diversion since I seem to be magically cured. I haven't even had the urge to look for anything since I've been single and I feel liberated.

What's a girl to do with all her unwanted crap? I have unloaded bags and boxes of stuff at a time that I rarely or ever used trying not to add up how much money I was throwing away cringing the entire time. How many mauve lipsticks does a girl need? What was I thinking? As I've gotten older, I have gotten pickier about where I buy cosmetics and magic elixirs. I don't buy if I can't return and I don't buy brands that test on animals. (A big boooo to L'Oreal, Maybelline, Neutrogena, ROC, Lancome, and Cover Girl). There have been times when I felt I was returning things so often that I might be replacing my addiction for stuff with an addiction for the power of returning.
I work with other admitted junkies and I have to say I have learned a few great things from them. First, instead of throwing stuff away, bag it up and bring it to work and let your co-workers go through it. A friend recently brought five giant bags of clothes. I can't even put a number on the jackets and blazers I got out of the deal. It was awesome. I packed everything else back up and off to the next person it went.

I have started doing the same with cosmetic items. I bring my stuff to give away and others bring their unwanted items. There was a concealer I wanted to try and it so happened that one of my swap buddies had it. Love it. And it was FREE to me. We are saving each other money and trips to the store. If something doesn't work I don't have any anxiety about it because I know someone else will come along who may love it.

Speaking of second chances, occasionally I will pull something out of the "throw away" pile and try to give it a chance to redeem itself. Why did I think this was so magical in the beginning and then tossed it aside? I have figured out the answer could be one of a couple of things. More than likely, you got lazy. When something is new we take out time reading the instructions. We are careful when applying the product. Everything is clean. As something hangs around and is no longer "new," we tend to treat it just like any old thing. And then it behaves like any old thing. So, instead of tossing it, give yourself a break and come back to a product with enthusiasm. You may be surprised. If it still doesn't work, trade your item for something else instead of throwing your money in the garbage.

A couple of other things that might have affected product performance include changing your skincare routine. If you change your concealer, the other products will not necessarily perform the same. I have really noticed this with moisturizers, sunscreens, concealers, and primers. Just sayin'. When you introduce something new to your routine you need to ask yourself if it is really worth it and pay attention to how your other products apply.

Who Moved My Cheese To The Dark Side?

2011-05-10T09:55:00.000-05:00

What's a girl to do when she is looking back and seeing what she has been doing hasn't worked out? I've always been a good girlfriend. Loyal and faithful. Some of it comes from the person I just am, but I work at it too. I am faced with temptation just like anyone else. I've come to appreciate the idea of someone being loyal in spite of temptation rather than because they have no other options. I think it is natural to feel good when the person you are with catches someone else's eye. When someone makes a choice to do right by you in spite of temptation, they have chosen you all over again. And that is a good feeling. Besides who wants to be with someone because they are just stuck with you?

Alas, I can't say that being good has worked out for me. I've said before that I don't know how to be better. There's a saying that if you keep doing what you always did, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten. Now I'm thinking that maybe I shouldn't worry about being better. Maybe I shouldn't care what I do as long as I'm having a good time. If the end result is the same at least I can save myself some heartache.

Scary Jobs

2011-05-09T09:34:00.000-05:00

When mentioning scary jobs I bet most people would think about the bomb squad or correctional officer. Soldier. Astronaut. It's true those professions come with a certain amount of risk and danger. I suppose that's part of the appeal for some folks. When I talk about scary jobs, I am talking about the sorts of jobs that are depressing, dangerous with no thrill payoff, those which are morally questionable, and seem to attract a certain demographic - Klopeks. If you don't know what a Klopek is, watch The 'Burbs. Klopek is a term that I use for any person with questionable DNA-hill people, people from the backwoods, rednecks. If you see someone who has a general sluggishness about them, who looks like he just woke up, and walks around with his mouth half open, that would be a Klopek.

This morning on the way to work I got behind a propane truck. The dude was hauling ass. I couldn't wait to get away from him. Maybe he doesn't appreciate the warning signs on his truck, but I do. I would be a nervous wreck driving a truck like that. So I had to wonder what kind of person must be driving it.

Then you have all the chicken trucks. It doesn't matter if it is 30 degrees, snowing, raining, whatever, the chicken trucks run leaving behind feathers and an occasional dead bird in the road. Those guys definitely do not drive like they are carrying anything that remotely matters in any way in their world. It makes me sick to my stomach and I always think about freeing the birds. The ones on the truck and the occasional one I give to the drivers. What kind of person does this job? How can it not make you sick to your stomach?

Then you have the scary hill folk who work at the Tyson plants. They are a foul breed for sure. They look at you as if they'd just as soon eat you as whatever they've been hacking on all day at the processing plant. They are hard people. Thoughtless. Soulless.

These kinds of people are no better than pimps and drug dealers. It is the same soulless mentality that allows someone to completely disregard any form of life, feelings, or justice for their own benefit.

I know we all need to put food on the table. But, there are things I won't do.

How? and Why? Part II

2011-05-08T10:44:00.000-05:00

Ask someone why they killed their lover. Because they cheated. Insurance money. Sympathy. Attention.

Ask why some people don't see the value of social programs. Debt is too high. Those people don't deserve it. I shouldn't have to support others.

If you ask why, you'll get a litany of reasons to justify an action. But if you ask someone how they are able to come to a place in themselves that they are okay with whatever they believe they are justified in doing, the answer has to be even darker. Like how are you okay with yourself knowing you are this kind of person?

There are lots of things that go through my mind in any given situation. Do I just do the first thing that suits me and what I want at that moment? If I did, I'd have no friends. No family. No job. And I include the words we use with one another too. They count.

We make choices every day. If more people would just choose to do the right thing, even if they don't want to, the world would be better. You can think yourself into or out of anything. If you just do what's right, in the end you have fewer regrets, less baggage, and the whole world benefits. You can be an inspiration to others to not be afraid of whatever it is we think it will cost us to be the better person.

Why? and How?

2011-05-07T15:00:00.001-05:00

Why? I wish I'd never learned to ask why. It is a latent question. An idea which invites the arbitrary where it is not welcome. One which lacks power, or gives it to something else. It is the past.

"How?" This is the question of possibility. It invites creativity and movement. The power rests where it belongs, with oneself. It is the future.

Must Resist!

2011-05-06T13:00:00.000-05:00

Noon on a glorious Friday and people are flowing out of the building like they are following Moses. It's so hard to sit indoors on such an exquisite day. Warm. Sunny. Doesn't help that it's slow either. Alas, the snow and rain have put a dent in my time off this year and we are not even at the half way point yet. I've had to take the long way to work through the neighboring town for like three weeks now because the bridge I usually take is under water. A friend told me last night that the last time the bridge was under water for six months. Eeekk!

The rain has washed away at least one chunk of road the way I have to go right now. It looks like Godzilla took a big bite out of it. Scary. The last couple of days I've noticed a couple of other dubious spots on my alternate route. The highway sign says "Bump" but it's more of a dip. And it looks like it is splitting. So now I am worried that the road is just going to slide down the mountain when I drive over it. I guess I won't be so afraid of going over the bridge from now on. I have a thing about driving over bridges. I worry about the bridge collapsing in the water and not being able to get a window down or the door open turning the car into a coffin. Me no likey. I usually drive over a bridge with one finger on the window button just in case. I can swim, but there is nothing I can do if I fall down a mountain. I guess I'll hang around here until quitting time 'cause now I'm afraid to go home.

Idol Hopeful Gets The Ax

2011-05-06T09:36:00.001-05:00

Duh! This isn't news. The nature of American Idol is that each week someone (I assume they are all Idol hopefuls) is eliminated. That's how it's been for how ever many seasons it's been on. Why not just put "So-and-So Eliminated from American Idol." It's that easy. Nothing to click on like there is some big build up. That's how I prefer my "news."

Calling You Out

2011-05-05T08:40:00.001-05:00

Sometimes you don't realize how selfish or self-centered someone is. Eventually something happens to shed light on them. That light will also illuminate the past in a way to show signposts you might have missed. If another person tells you that you have to keep them engaged and entertained, it should be a clue. It is YOUR responsibility to keep yourself fed and engaged, not mine. To insist that your actions are justified because you only have to take care of you - that is the key. Perhaps if you had realized that and taken responsibility for yourself two years ago we wouldn't be here now. Even three years ago. Or five years ago when you had the notion that another person would come into your life and keep you entertained and "fed."

Timing is important too. You should always trust your gut. All I can say is that I find it beyond coincidence that new friends usher a bravado to suddenly reclaim your self and your life. I questioned the ex about it and confronted her about having a thing for one of her "friends." Oh no! No way. We're just so much alike. OCD and negative. And although the ex has been adamant that she has no interest whatsoever in dating or getting into a relationship, the last week the conversation turned towards the possibility of finding someone more similar to herself. Hmmm..... That's what you need in a relationship - two negative people. How many coincidences does it take before it's not coincidence any more? Also, the ex has told me and others many times over the years that she felt confident I'd be a great girlfriend because she had a chance to observe me in the relationship I was in when we met. So her defense that her "friend" is in a relationship and therefore not an interest is obviously bullshit. We'll see where the chips lie in a year.

Don't Do It

2011-05-04T10:35:00.003-05:00

Like many I couldn't believe it when I heard Osama bin Laden was dead. I hope the conversation about releasing photos from the operation is short and quickly dismissed. No good can come of it. I have to say that I am dismayed and disappointed at the jubilation expressed by so many over the death of another human being. And frankly I don't see how it is different from how the jihadists view us which we find so reprehensible. Don't get me wrong, bin Laden was a terrible, terrible human being. He helped take away so much from so many. But, is it really over now? If you really wanted to take away the power of a dead madman, you would never utter his name again, quit talking about him completely. Through non-stop talking and media coverage you continue to empower him, his ideas, and his followers.

Obama's stock clearly jumped through the roof. No matter what I think or anyone says, Obama has accomplished a great deal during his time in office. We may not be out of the recession, but that wasn't his fault. He inherited it from the previous administration's gross mismanagement. The healthcare bill was an achievement. Don't Ask Don't Tell. And now this. And not a word from George Bush. Of course he wasn't really known for his eloquence.

I have a lot more confidence that the conservatives will have a hard time downplaying this victory. They will try. All the conservatives have done since their meager victory the last election is incense the working class, scare the elderly, and continually try to pummel the poor. Surely they are not foolish enough to spin this point. Although I would be amazed to watch them try.

I am not the most sensitive person in the world. People who are constantly offended by one thing or another irritate me. But I'm glad I'm not the only one who was confused by the "Geronimo" code name for bin Laden. ??? I didn't get it at all. Even if the person who decided it was an okay moniker, I would hope that person would be smart enough to see how equating a Native American hero with a terrorist would piss people off. Sooo, what other kinds of decisions is this person making?

Walmart Causes The Shits

2011-05-03T14:20:00.001-05:00

How do I know that Walmart gives people The Shits? By the condition of their restrooms. I figure that people hit the door they immediately run to the restroom to do all sorts of unspeakable things. That is the power of Walmart - to move bowels. What am I doing in the Walmart restroom myself besides trying not to pass out? I have to pee. All the time. I drink lots of water.

NeNe vs. Norris

2011-05-03T13:49:00.002-05:00

The conversation started with political talk. Blondie and I talked about far right- and far left-wing people duking it out in a cage fight. I'd love to see that! That's one way to get people more involved in politics. We discussed strategy, etc. Somehow we moved on to a match between Charlie "Winning" Sheen and Danny Bonaduce. A little bit of crazy goes a long way. A whole lotta crazy stuffed in a cage at once? Clearly, Sheen's avant weird pseudo-religion is no match for Bonaduce's full on unfiltered Krazy (with a capital K). Bonaduce would just wait for Sheen to close his eyes and then rip his head off.

Then we were stumped. Who can beat Bonaduce? Blondie lit up and suggested Nene Leakes. Hellz yeah! She goes on to motion that all Nene would have to do is take her shoe off and (boop!) smack Bonaduce down with one fell swoop. Yeeessssssss.....Nene would be unstopable. Talk about being stumped, who could ever beat Nene? She's got size on her side. Attitude. And some krazy too. Jackie Chan? No. Maybe. And then it came to me: Chuck Norris. My friend pointed out that even Chuck Norris would have his hands full with Nene. I told her that Chuck would probably have to invoke the power of the beard. Then we would have a nail-biter.

It's MY Birthday

2011-05-02T09:32:00.003-05:00

I can't believe I have to share my birthday with three other people in this building. One of them is the anti-Green Religion dudes who sits across from me. Really?? How's that for a cosmic laugh. More of a chuckle really.

Although the year has sucked ass so far, things are definitely lining up for a sparkling time the rest of this year and next. If you are a Tauran, this is your year. Apparently the planets have been fuddling up matters of the heart for the last two years. Regardless what you believe, I have had enough looking back to see trends and watch how they correspond with the stars. I don't believe so much in fate, but rather catching the waves of positive energy and bracing myself for the harder times. Well, it is about time that I get some much deserved help. I know what I want and I am focused on making the best of this time. And it gets better as the year goes on. Work, friends, and travel are all the mix too which is also a welcome break from the pattern of the last few years. I try to watch saying I need things to make sure I am not giving power to the superficial. Honestly, though, I need this. My soul needs it.

With such good news, it really doesn't matter how many people I have to share my birthday with. It sounds like there is plenty to go around. Happy Birthday to all my fellow bulls. Oh, and it is the year of the rabbit. Also, my year!

Rainy Sunday

2011-05-01T16:47:00.000-05:00

Hard to believe it's May 1st it's so cold and rainy today. 46 degrees right now. Everything is so green and it feels like winter. I like having a heavier cover on my bed. Cozier. Rainy Sundays are so relaxing...special mix with Adele and John Legend. And popcorn for dinner.

Karma

2011-04-30T08:45:00.000-05:00

Many people throw around this term with little understanding for it and its various interpretations. For instance some believe that karma is acquired in one lifetime to be dealt with in the next. So the idea that everything happens in a tit for tat manner is negated. As I often state, there is nothing wrong with any school that keeps you on the straight and narrow. Ignorance, though, will attribute any hardship to the idea that a person deserves what has happened to them instead of seeing difficult events as part of a cyclic Universe. Bad things happen to good people all the time. If you watch a volcano for long enough, it will erupt. This is not karma.

During this time of transition it would be easier to think "oh if I had just done this better or done that I wouldn't be in this mess" or to dwell on "what is wrong with me?" I am fortunate that I have the fortitude to not feel this way. I'm no Buddha and I believe we all have the boundless capacity for growth and I take my journey seriously. I have felt that this time is more of the end and beginning which is the nature of life. Stagnancy is death. All my readings keep showing the Wheel of Fortune, not Karma which only strengthens my view of the situation.

I do have to wonder what kind of person sits around for years waiting for someone they feel has wronged them to get theirs. How evolved is that? Wishing ill on another doesn't sound like a way to amass positive karma to me. If this concept is such a staple in your belief system, why not look at your own actions which brought you to the place you were. Sounds like a missed opportunity for growth to me. And to feign compassion or consideration for the person you feel wronged you is even worse. I also have to wonder what kind of person keeps track of an ex they feel was so despicable for years. Years! I can't fathom what is going on with someone that they can't let go and move on. If my partner was still tracking an ex from years ago, that would be it.

Fortunately the stars are lining up to bring great new opportunities in all aspects of my life. This is a time for "getting rid of the things which no longer serve my best interests." It is a time to clear a path. And according to other methods of reading I am entering a golden phase in my life. It only gets better for me as I get older. I feel truly blessed to enter this phase with a youthful spirit that seems to diminish with with weathering.

The Hazards of Reading

2011-04-28T14:51:00.000-05:00

Work is still slow. Between lunch and conversation, I have a book to read. I honestly believe it is great that The Factory encourages training and self-improvement during slow periods. Unfortunately the reading material in the library is....well....boring. Of all the books I've read only one and a half were worth the time. They have books about cheese and managing your minutes (rolling eyes). There was a book that one of the other admin traded my way about decision making. It was effin crazy. You had to draw a diagram and make lines and gauge the how likely each outcome may be and assign it a value. Then you had to weigh the values. Ugh!!! I have a coin. When in doubt, toss the coin. I can't say that my decision making is any better than Chance's.

I was about to give up on the book deal when the giant red letters "A.D.D." grabbed me. I often joke that I have A.D.D. (I often call it The A.D.D.) There are little signs, I guess. I just figured I lose interest in stuff easily. So what? There's lots of stuff out there. I am a fidgety person and often feel self-conscious about moving around to much or messing with my hands or bouncing my knee. Just not very lady-like. Or grown up. I wouldn't necessarily classify myself as shy, but just not out-going and when I am engaged in conversation I notice I tend to interrupt. For the life of me, I know I do it and I stop myself before completely disrupting a conversation but it still bothers me. What was a joke is turning into a revelation. I really might be the A.D.D person. Then there are different classifications within the "disorder" itself. The book is called A.D.D. on the Job, Making Your A.D.D. Work for You by Lynn Weiss, Ph.D. As I am reading the "do you ever" questions I am thinking OMG! Yes, yes, yes. It is explaining a lot about the way I receive information, how I process it, and my reactions to certain things like criticism, even if it is just perceived. The hypersensitivity. I have never, ever, ever read scenarios in any book or magazine that describe exactly how I would react in a certain situation and outline exactly how I am processing it in my head. I can often see part of one and part of the other but never has someone given an option that was so close to home. Honestly, I have always assumed that my way of thinking was so unique to me that no one could ever possibly understand my process.

The ability to think about many things at once and the intuition the author describes are very much a part of my identity. I have never believed I was psychic, but I really think I am good at reading the between the lines, filling in the blanks, and processing verbal and non-verbal signs. I have always said I can smell bullshit from a mile away.

The best thing about the book is how positive it is. The author doesn't present the information in terms of good and bad, just differences. If everyone would just look at all of our nuances in non-threatening terms of difference without trying to assign a value to each nuance, the world would be a much better place.

The Switch

2011-04-28T09:35:00.000-05:00

They always say it is darkest just before dawn. Night before last was very difficult for me. I had one of those emotional nights. Only three hours of sleep and those weren't that good. I was wrung yesterday and felt like I was sleepwalking for the most part. If you have no fight left in you there is nothing to do but receive whatever comes your way. Fortunately it was an easy day at work. The weather has sucked hard since I can't remember when and I think we all needed some lively chatter to break the gloom. And today we magically have a beautiful, sunshiny morning.

In talking about what has been going on in my crumbling world, I really listened to what others were saying and the questions they were asking. I realized that if someone else came to me with my story I would ask them why don't you just let it go? How would you ever trust or respect someone who would treat you, their family, this way? It's hard when you believed someone was a certain way and you see them in a different light. The coldness of it all, the selfishness. Why would the same thing not apply to me in my situation? The truth is it does. My ex has constantly thrown in my face how she warned me about her switch and once it is flipped off that there is no going back. I understand. When you lose respect and trust, you don't get those back. As I explained over and over and over, processes like communication can be fixed or routines can be fixed. Some things that shake the foundation of a relationship cannot.

She has also thrown at me how she needs to be fed to keep her interest. I explain that everyone needs to be fed. She also keeps throwing the last two years in my face. I agree. I didn't get what I needed the last two years. I slept alone most of that time. We haven't been a unit. Frankly, I'm looking forward to having some fun and feeling like a woman again. And I don't want to have to work for it or just through ridiculous hoops to get it and I don't have to. I know my coldness bothers her. It doesn't bother me that it bothers her. It is a situation of her creating, it's what she wanted. It will be hers to process just like what I have had to do.

OMG!!! So Slow At Work

2011-04-27T15:38:00.000-05:00

Not a good space to be in. I hate it when it's slow. I can't just sit and twiddle my thumbs. Soooo, I have been yakking all day long. And it has been awesome therapy. The Universe always gives you what you need. I honestly feel like a new person after that last post. I don't require validation usually because I just do what I want and how I want with no regard for how others are going to evaluate my choices. Who cares? But when emotions are high and I have literally felt like I was going crazy I find that others are even harder than I am. Like I'm being too soft given the full scope of my situation. That leads to goals. And that gives me something to work on. Something else to focus on.

I love my fellow grrrls. They are so awesome. Sorry, but you get a vibe and ease with straight girls you don't get with lesbians. And it is like finding a normal pocket of people. Which I am most thankful for these days. For the first time in five effin years, I finally, finally have an enclave where we can just paint each others toenails and giggle and support one another like good women should.

Six Week Old Hash

2011-04-27T10:48:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow will be six weeks since The Breakup. The ex and I have had several evenings of talking about things. Some of it has been fun and the rest has been down right unpleasant. She tells me it's over and she's over it. She needs to move out and be alone. For herself. Then she worries that I think she is being selfish and a bad person. What do you call someone who walks out on their home, family, and shared future because they need some time alone? Sounds selfish to me. And then she asks me to respect her decision. I don't know how you are supposed to respect someone who is selfish. I told her that it was wrong and I won't tell her otherwise to appease her guilt. She called me an asshole when I told her I un-friended her on Facebook and again when I told her I also changed my status to single which she still hadn't done. This weekend we decided we're moving back out when last weekend we were going to work it out.

Then there is the constant "I still love you and care about you." Then she worries about whether I've made it to work. Something happens throughout the day and she wants to call me and talk to me about it. She is supposed to be selling one of the cars so we can get two commuter cars. She procrastinated doing that. Even last night she tells me it all feels surreal. Even still after six weeks. But, she reminds me, she's already told everyone we're broken up and that she is moving out. So, I guess what you tell some people is the truth or more binding in some way that what you tell someone you have been with for over five years. I have asked her to really, really think about why she feels guilty, why it feels wrong if this is what she wanted. I also asked her what kind of person does something that feels wrong and turns her back on the good. Why do you care? Why do you want to remain friends? Because she can't imagine never talking to me again.

We finally after all this time got to a point where we were making friends. The ex worked with them and and spent more time with them so they bonded. It didn't take two seconds after the breakup for her to start telling everyone. Guess who hasn't heard a peep from these wonderful, caring people in the last six weeks? Such great people and not a single word of kindness, not a one. But they couldn't wait to get her to move into the house next to them. Or offer to set up her on a date. Or claim her for a new bff. I've always said lesbians are drama and time and time again I am proven right. Then in a conversation just night before last she basically gave me an ultimatum that if it were to ever work out between her and me, I would have to be okay with and accept her friendships regardless how inappropriate they are or how their backs have been turned on me. I have been there for over five years. Regardless whatever else was going on between us, I have always, always been there. And she expects me to compete with someone she's known about a year and only in the last couple of months has become so close and important to her? I tell her that is effed up too and it ain't happening.

She asked me just the evening before last if there was someone I was interested in or thinking about being interested in. Why would that matter if you're over it? When you really know someone you can pick up on the other things in they way they ask questions. It would have bothered her if there had been someone. Besides she and I connected in ways more than just talking and being open these past weeks. She thinks I'm stuck on the physical part of it, but she said herself that she "felt me." And I "felt her" as well. But, we have a plan in action we can't forget about. Another subject comes up and she asks me kind of surprised and solemnly if I would really consider dating a dude. I told her I was open to anything right now. That I have to get my "picker" right and I can't completely ignore that maybe I've been hanging out in the wrong pool all these years. Then she goes on to say my picker was fine and that it could have worked between us. But it didn't, so I did pick incorrectly. And I need to figure that out.

In conclusion, we have someone who loves me, cares about me, thinks I am a great person, has a great time with me, and we have experienced glimpses of each other on a level that we hadn't in a long time that go beyond the boundaries of friendship or family. Then there is the trust, the respect, and the five years of being a good girlfriend. Add to it that she still believes we were a good match. And all that adds up to I gotta get away from you. As fast as I can. I told her it's like having all the ingredients to make cookies, but no recipe. Senseless. And regardless what resentments and angry was cooked up in our time together, I ask her why one good moment, and there have been several, can't just lead to another. Why we can't just enjoy it and see where it goes? Why put restrictions on it and let the fear of disappointment pull the reigns back? And then throw the back and forth of it over the last six weeks in my face like somehow I responsible for the pulling back. That's all on her and her fear and anger and resentment. One day at a time. I don't understand turning your back on what feels good for something that feels strange and bad. I don't get it. I also explained to her that some things in a relationship like chemistry can't be made from nothing while other things like anger and communication can be worked through because of the foundation we have shared. Who knows. I'm tired of hashing. It's getting old. And the less everything makes any sense and seems even more arbitrary.

Green Religion

2011-04-24T16:30:00.000-05:00

Until recently I had a six cubicle row to myself. It has slowly filled up over the last couple of months. I wasn't too excited about getting a couple of dudes in my area either. The one who sits directly across from me has a lot of crap. It's not on my desk but it is irritating. Work has been slow at The Factory. I've filled my time by physically cleaning the dust off my desk, computer, chair, etc. The short guy has asked my on both occasions to come clean his desk. I tried really hard to NOT roll my eyes. I'm not completely sure I was successful either time. I guess since I'm a girl I'm just supposed to like cleaning. Let me make something clear: I like for things to be clean. That doesn't translate to "I like cleaning." Two totally different concepts. I just wanted to tell him to get off his lazy ass and clean his area if he prefers a clean workspace.

I mostly ignore the two d-bags. I hear them talking about church. And Jesus said this and Jesus said that. And the subsequent explaining of what Jesus actually meant when he said those things. I figure if it keeps them home with their wives and off the streets then it can't be a bad thing. Like I always say, the folks who are always trying to get to church are the ones who need to be there. And in case you haven't figured it out on your own, you really get to hear what people think about things when they think you aren't listening. This also applies when people assume you are like-minded. People say some crazy shit to you if they think you're one of them. Friday my Team Lead brings and industry magazine to me to read an article. The article was about Alice Walton (of the Wal-Mart Waltons) and a green art museum she is building in NWA. The author explains how he tried to talk to her about responsibility and trying to gauge Wal-Mart's commitment to being green versus just tapping into certain trends that specifically appeal to the anti-Wal-Mart crowd. The portrayal of his encounter with her was by no means ugly but you could tell he was not impressed.

After I read the article my Lead and I talked about it. We talked about responsibility and how the Wal-Mart mentality is to just suck whatever they can get out of people. We talked about how no one should ever need $20 billion dollars because the article also compared wealth to philanthropy ratios for a few famous billionaires and it didn't look too good for the Walton's. I would be embarrassed if it were I. Maybe having that kind of money dulls the senses. If that's the case I'm content to keep my life as it is.

Enter the short guy. He read the article and immediately started spewing about what an idiot the author is. He was angry the piece was completely based on the guy's opinions and not facts. (I dunno but I always thought articles based on opinion were called "editorials.") Napoleon then went on to say that the author had no business suggesting how anyone handles their money or pushing his "green religion" on others. Then Napoleon makes Messy read the article and they both go on and on and on about the arrogance of that nut who cares about the earth and future (a real asshole). Then they yakked about the downfall of content in the industry magazines and showed their commitment to being green by putting the entire magazine in the recycle bin without reading the rest of it.

I found the way they were spitting the term "green religion" at each other like it was some kind of deranged cult really, really offputting. There were two guys who seem to endorse religion mocking it. ??? And since they are such fans of Jesus, I want (and mostly likely will at some point) to ask them what they think Jesus would do if he had $20 billion. And to Napoleon's point about Alice Walton not having anything to do with how Wal-Mart runs business, all I have to say to that is if my last name was Walton and I sat on the board of directors and I had $20 billion, you best be believing I would be heard.

Almost Five Weeks

2011-04-19T16:13:00.001-05:00

I didn't celebrate my break up anniversary like I thought I would. Things actually went well between the ex and me over the weekend. Maybe there's hope.

I have decided to turn my life over to Liz Lemon. Before I moved up here a friend and I had a what if conversation about Lifetime movies. I haven't seen many because I don't want to scratch the eyeballs out of my head. They come in handy. I doubt anyone will make a movie about my life but we talked about who would play us in the movie. Hmmm....I couldn't come up with anyone. I guess it was a Thursday because I remember watching 30 Rock and I had one of those light bulb moments --Tina Fey would be the best person to play me in a Lifetime movie. My friend totally agreed. I have dark glasses and I feel like I am like Liz Lemon's twin. I don't know if my collection of cardigans is abnormal but I sure do like me a good sweater.

I recently made one of my first trips to the grocery store alone. I have been by myself before, but it's something we usually did together. Ironically I had to buy cat litter too so I really felt like a cat lady. Ugh! So now, I've been thinking to myself What Would Liz Lemon Do? I think I will turn myself over to the Tao of Liz and think about how she would handle all situations. Too bad I don't have a Jack Donaghey in my life. Or do I? That will be mission number one: find a Jack Donaghey. And clearly I need to do something with my life that would warrant a movie being made about it. I just don't know what that would be. Yet.

Open Mic

2011-04-15T14:57:00.001-05:00

Maybe all the stories about President Obama should be about what he says when he doesn't know he's being recorded. That sounds like the kind of guy I can relate to. Sounds like the conversations I have with the people I know. Except the language we use is more colorful usually, like the VP. It's funny because in the midst of our rants, we joke about being recorded by Big Brother...I mean Homeland Security. So we really beef up the convo then to make sure that anyone listening is getting a good ear full.

I get most of my reading news from Yahoo! Sometimes I like to read the comments and make fun of other people's grammar and how they use the wrong words because they use word that corresponds with the way they say something instead of the way it is written. I don't have a specific example this second, but when I find one I'll insert it. Anyway, I sorta stopped reading the comments because most people seemed like conservative douche bags making fun of the poor or people who care about them or whining still about Obama's birth certificate or about ObamaCare. Don't know if is true, but read or heard or imagined that Donald Trump is one of those people who doesn't believe Barak Obama was born in this country. Nevermind that neither was John McCain because Americans are born all over the world. Anyway, I don't know if I can ever watch Donald Trump again. It's hard anyway but at least he's mildly amusing. Back to the Yahoo! comments. Recently I have noticed a turning of the tide. Normal people making comments and others logging in to agree with them. Like the story about antibiotics in the food supply. Lots of great comments and support. (Sigh) Maybe there is hope.

Going Down?

2011-04-13T11:46:00.000-05:00

I just passed someone who just missed the elevator. She wasn't happy about it. I know she was going down. We are on the top floor. And she had her purse and sunglasses. And it's lunchtime. So she pushes the button and complains about her luck. I'm thinking she could be in the parking lot by the time the elevator comes round again if she just took the stairs. Why wouldn't you just do that? Unless you are carrying something or can't. I don't get it. Celebrate your legs!!! Walk!!!

The ironic part is that this is someone who walks for excercise during her breaks. ??? They all gather around the elevator to wait for it to take them downstairs so they can walk the track. Really??? Why wouldn't you just walk down the stairs since you are going to walk anyway. It's bizarre thinking. Just like the healthnuts with their little bikes attached to their little hybrids. There is special parking for the fuel efficient cars and carpoolers too. So, they get the choice spots right next to the door. If you are really dedicated to healthy living why wouldn't you park in the back forty and walk all the way to the entrance? I will never have one of those spots. Why? Because I hate filling out forms. Hate it. Refuse to fill out more paperwork than I am required to.

Choices

2011-04-12T14:18:00.002-05:00

You always get choices. Even if someone else makes one for you, you get to choose how you deal with it. You also get to set your own boundaries. I think this has been my biggest hurdle. It really isn't fair for someone to want their cake and eat it too. You want to be free of me but you want me to be your friend and hang out with you when you get home and you want me to be understanding that you need to save money to move away from me? Hmmm..... I got my own decisions to make. What do you chose when nothing seems right? My friend jokes about her gypsy feet and I laugh because I totally understand. It is taking everything in me, to get up and go to work and try to act normal when all I want to do is pack my shit and see something new.

At least when some place is new to you, it makes sense that it feels odd. Much weirder to wake up in your own home and feel like it isn't a part of you and never was. I guess right now I have a job and a place to sleep. If I end up with another job somewhere that allows me a place to sleep I am none the worse.

Then I have moments where I remember why I love it here so much. I wonder if I might be able to keep the house. Then the hairdresser I saw yesterday who is in an almost exact same circumstance with her ex-husband (and three kids, yikes!!) was truly a godsend. It's like there's something in the air. She described her situation with her high school sweetheart. It was strange. I had lots of questions and she assures me this is the hard part. She is happy now and it makes me excited. She also tells me that the counselor that helped her and her husband through the breakup tells them that NW Arkansas is fifth in the country for divorce rate. One more reason to move on. I'm looking for something more permanant. My faith has been restored too that there really are lots of good people out there.

I wondered how long it would take before thinking about being with someone else wouldn't make me sick to my stomach, like I was cheating. I am getting there. I think about Fergie singing "a girl like me don't stay single for long." Man, the problem is the approach. If I even remotely think someone is just interested in hooking up, like they are not even interested in getting to know me, it's a total turn off. You can't be obvious. It's unattractive. I like to get to know someone. See how they chew their food, hold things, say their words. Those are the things that draw me in. And I swear dudes can smell breakup on a girl. Again, preying on someone they think is vulnerable? Not attractive.

I have no fear, my horoscope says that in two months goodness is coming, a great time for love and romance. I will be honest, when I read this month's horoscope I cried. I needed something good to look forward to. And so far it has panned out spot on. Astrology Zone